Thursday, 26 September 2013

Taking the First Small Steps...Then Getting Knocked Straight Back Down

Having been born physically male my body isn’t feminine, I’m tall, broad and have too large hands and feet.  I am also, unfortunately, bald.  I have been since I was eighteen.  As I have now where near enough money to be able to afford any kind of hair transplant treatment I’ve come to accept that instead I will have to wear a wig in order to pass as female.

Last night was something of a big step for me, it was the first time leaving the house in my wig and letting people other than my parents and sister see it.  I wasn’t going anywhere fancy, just to a friends house where a group of us would be meeting up, a perfectly safe and secure environment with people guaranteed to respond positively.  However, it was one of the most frightening things I’ve had to do.

I don’t know why I was scared, as I said I knew it was a perfectly safe place and I didn’t have to walk their or back wearing it as friends were giving me a ride.  It was silly and irrational but I was completely panicked.  I felt sick, my breathing was all wrong and more than once I wanted to take it off.

However, I tuck with it and went out in the wig, and things went perfectly fine.  I felt comfortable and I received nothing but good comments about it.  I had made that first small step to being comfortable and confident enough to present myself openly as the person I really am and I was happy with myself for having done so.

Unfortunately such feelings couldn’t last.  It seems like I never get to enjoy anything for longer than five minutes.

This morning at breakfast my mum told me that my dad, who has not even mentioned my being trans or anything to do with my situation after first being told, is having trouble with it.  She told me that he’s not comfortable with my wearing the wig around the house, with my wearing female clothes.  In the past he’s also told me not to be barefoot because I’ve got painted toe nails or wear my pyjamas anywhere downstairs as they’re pink.

I’ve known, deep down, for a while now that my dad isn’t comfortable with me being trans, that he doesn’t like it or want it.  But hear it confirmed by my mum is another thing entirely.  Add onto that the fact that he doesn’t really understand it but refuses to talk about it or go and read up about it on his own and it just hurts.  I love my family, but to have my dad be so against it and unwilling to even say anything about it cuts me deep.

Maybe he doesn’t realise just how much pain I’m in because of this, or what I might end up doing to myself if I weren’t to transition.  I don’t know though as he wont talk about it.  How many other people inn the world are going to be against me if at this point my own father doesn’t seem to have my best interest at heart?


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  1. My mom was the same way at first dear, it took me disowning her and having nothing to do with her for about six monthes before she accepted it. I hate to say it but if he cannot accept you, then fuck him and replace him with someone else. I wish you the best of luck with the situation.
    Sincerly a fellow sister,

  2. Well first things first there will be plenty of times when you have irrational fear ahead of you unfortunately at least if my experience is anything to go by. As for the issue of your father this really sucks as it really is a case of either he's uncomfortable or you are. I might suggest a rather risky move of sticking with it if it provokes a reaction from him then SOME discussion may occur but this is entirely your call as it could go very wrong/sour relations

    I work on the principle that 50% of the world will hate me regardless and then 25% will potentially like me if they knew and the other 25 probably wouldn't whilst this does mean that most of the world is probably against me at least in my biased mindset there are 7billion people in the world so i like to think I have 1 and a half billion potential friends minimum. I COULD live in fear of leaving the house (have done many times) but for the most part people are oblivious as they are distracted with their own problems.

    you will overcome this :)