Yesterday started off as a good day, a day that I was
looking forward to and hoping to enjoy. Yesterday
was the day I was going to get my new phone.
Yeah, I know, a new phone,
nothing too special. But it was special
to me because, honestly, I don’t have much stuff to really look forward to, and
having a new little toy to play with had me excited. That and getting a nice chunk of cash for
trading in my old phone.
So, I awoke early with a sliver of excitement running
through me and was dressed and ready to go into town much earlier than I’d
normally even be awake. It would appear
that not even my messed up sleeping patterns would overcome my good day. With my housemate joining me, we headed into
town to do our shopping.
Our first stop was at a local café, that we used to frequent
when my housemate owned his comic book shop, for a rather unhealthy breakfast. And that’s where things took a turn. I don’t know why it suddenly affected me, I’d
had my anti-depressant that morning and was in a great mood, but as soon as our
waitress came over I was hit with a massive wave of dysphoria.
There was nothing overly special about this girl, yeah she
was attractive, but it’s not like she was the most stunning woman I’d ever
seen. There was just something about her
that turned my happy morning upside down and made me feel like complete and
utter shit. One minute I was happy and
excited, the next I felt like I could hardly breathe and I just wanted to run
and hide myself away from the world.
Perhaps this should have been a sign for me to give in and
go home, to just let the dysphoria pass.
I ignored this, however, and tried to continue on with my day. After leaving the café I went to the phone
shop. ‘At least I can just get my phone
and go home before this gets any worse’ I thought to myself. Boy was I wrong.
The first person to serve me in the phone shop was one of
the managers, who when he had to go and assist another of his colleagues
assigned me the one and only female working in the store that day. So here I was, yet again faced with another
pretty young woman. A young woman who
was extremely nice and chatty and appeared to have a great personality
too. After half an hour being served by
her I was ready to just break into tears.
I hate that part of being trans is that I’ll have these
sudden bouts of dysphoria, that what is supposed to be a good day for me can
suddenly turn on its head and make me feel like complete shit, for no apparent
reason.
I know that things are moving forward for me, and that I’ve
come a long way in the past year, but it still doesn’t stop these little
attacks. No matter how logical I try to
be, no matter how many anti-depressants I take or fun I try to have it always
seems like my dysphoria will always be their.
I hope that this is something that will go away in time, that at some point
it won’t hurt anymore, but I really don’t see that being the case.
I see my dysphoria lessening, I can picture periods of time
where it won’t bother me as much any more, but I don’t think it will ever truly
disappear. I see it being their my whole
life, no matter how well my transition goes.
I feel like this is something that I’ll never completely escape.
Thank you for reading my little rant, sorry for how
depressing it is, I promise a much more enjoyable read for my next post.
Amy.
xx
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