Okay, so it’s been a while sine my last post about me and my transition but that’s really been because there’s not that much to talk about. I’ve spent the last coupe of months trying to get my psychological referral from my doctors to the gender clinic. After being on the phone for hours and talking to dozens of people chasing it up it finally gets into the hands of the people that need it.
That’s when the problem came up. The person dealing with my referral at the gender clinic informs me that the referral letter they have isn’t from a proper psychologist but a standard counsellor. Backtracking through my records she tells me that after my initial meeting with my doctor, sixteen months ago, that my case was handed over to the community mental health team.
Instead of handing my case over to a psychologist however, they sent me to a counsellor. The result of that means that everything I have done towards my transition and moving my referral forward over the last year has all been for nothing.
Perhaps that’s being a little harsh, the gender clinic has my case on their desk now and are working on getting things resolved for me but the fact that I have spent so much time chasing things up and jumping through loops only to find out that what they have in front of them now is ‘useless’ is a big blow.
I cannot help but feel that everything I have done over the last year has been useless. I feel like I’ve been treated like a joke by the NHS, that when I went to them with my problem they just didn’t take me seriously. Instead of handing my case over to the people that I should have been sent to I was sent somewhere else, almost like ‘well, it’s not a real problem. They’re probably just depressed. Send them to counselling.’
I’ve spoken to a lot of trans people, I’ve read dozens of books and documents and personal accounts and all of them seem to agree that the worst part of the whole process is the wait. Having to try and carry on with your life when you feel like things are falling apart and you’re just stuck waiting on other people to help you.
Being stuck in that kind of limbo, of trying to cope with the every day dysphoria that’s always invading your life and driving you crazy is hard enough as it is, without finding out that all that time has been wasted.
Everyday things seem to get worse and worse, the feelings of a broken and painful life just increase, with every day feeling like a waste because I’m not getting to be me. I feel like I’ve lost out on so much of my real life already and time still keeps on passing by without anything getting better.
I know that the people who know me will probably disagree, telling me that ‘at least they’ve got your case now’ or ‘people know you’re trans and are treating you as Amy’. All these things are true, but it’s not enough. I still hate who I am and that’s not going to change until I do.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with my referral now, I have no idea what kind of time frame I’m looking at or how far back to the start of the process I’ve been pushed. What I do know though is that each and every time something like this happens my depression and hatred for my life gets worse.
I don’t want to sound like I’m overly dramatic or looking for sympathy, that’s not what this is about. I’m not looking for people to comment and give me sympathy, this is just me venting. I jut don’t know how much more I can take before I reach breaking point. It’s just getting too much for me.