So, the other week I experienced something new for the first time. I was out of the house, presenting as female all on my own. It’s not as epic as that might sound, I had a speech therapy session first thing in the morning and just stayed ‘girled up’ all day. That night I went round my friends and we hung out. Then came the part I hadn’t thought about, walking home in the middle of the night on my own.
Now, I usually do this a lot, some of my work shifts require me to walk through some pretty dodgy parts of my hometown very late at night so I’m no stranger to being out and about after dark. The thing that I was worried about this time though was the fact that I was presenting as myself.
I know it shouldn’t really make a difference but even before I left my friends house I was filled with worry. What if something happened to me? What if someone could tell I was trans and made me a target?
I swallowed my fear and left my friends house and began the journey home. It wasn’t too bad for the most part. I found myself a little on edge but it wasn’t like I was shaking with fear the whole way home. However, there then came the point where I had to pass by a group of guys. As soon as I saw them I filled with dread and felt vulnerable. They weren’t even on the same side of the road as me, but even so I felt on edge.
The only thing different about this time walking home and the hundreds of others I had was that this time I didn’t looks male. That’s it, nothing else. So why was it that little change could have such an effect on me that I was literally afraid to walk past a group of guys?
Perhaps it’s the news stories I read of trans women, and even regular women, being targets of violence and aggression when they are walking alone at night. But those kind of things are rare and I knew logically that nothing like that would happen to me yet I still felt fear.
Is it my irrationality or do we genuinely live in a world where women feel fear where they shouldn’t, in scenarios where men never would? I’m happy that I’m transitioning, that I’m becoming the real me. But if this is the type of thing I’m going to experience more often, simply because that’s the way the world is then theirs something wrong with the world.
Amy.
xx
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No, you are not being irrational...
ReplyDelete...Women are more vulnerable, and I really started to feel that once people started to recognize me as myself (a woman). I am becoming increasingly sensitive now in my third year of full time living: I am vulnerable as an older person, vulnerable as a woman, vulnerable as a transgender woman. I am acutely aware that if I am raped as a woman, it is unlikely that I will live through it. I am have been slow to recognize this, not having learned it as a child and teen girl - I am only now coming to learn the tactics that other women use to protect themselves.
At the same time, I am not becoming timid or fearful, just more wary and careful. It is yet another sign that I am *becoming*.
I read an article for guys from a cisgender gal some time ago. She said we may not respond to your greetings or are reserved because our first thought is, "Are you dangerous, a creep, or will try to have sex with us before we're ready? This is something guys don't worry about but we have to!"
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, your 2nd awareness awakens and you have to be street safe. And that's because you are vulnerable. Everyone is when you are walking alone at night, but even more so as female. Just be street smart, carry protection, and don't walk alone at night unless you absolutely have to. Travel in a group of friends is more preferable. If you can.
ReplyDelete