“If you’re reading this, you’ve likely thought that the world would be a better place without you.' A single line of text, glowing in the darkness of the internet. Written by Ashley Lutin, who has often thought the same—and worse—in the years since his wife died and his young son disappeared. But the peace of the grave is not for him—it’s for those he can help. Ashley has constructed a peculiar ritual for those whose desire to die is at war with their yearning to live a better life.
'Struggling to overcome his own endless grief, one night Ashley finds connection with Jinx—a potential candidate for Ashley’s next ritual—who spins a tale both revolting and fascinating. Thus begins a relationship that traps the two men in an ever-tightening spiral of painful revelations, where long-hidden secrets are dragged, kicking and screaming, into the light. Only through pain can we find healing. Only through death can we find new life.'
Eric LaRocca is for me perhaps one of the best horror writers around at the moment. His ability to worm his way under my skin and make me uncomfortable with every narrative he crafts means that even if I'm not frightened by his writing I am affected by it; which when it comes to horror can often be the thing that leaves the biggest lasting impression. I've also found that it means I need to be very careful when reading LaRocca's work, as its darkness and disturbing content is not always something that I find comfortable to read, and if I read it at the wrong time it can worm its way into spiral of depression and discomfort. This is what happened to me when reading At Dark, I Become Loathsome.
At Dark, I Become Loathsome tells the story of Ashley Lutin, a man who has gone through immense tragedy in his life. His beloved wife died of cancer, and slow decline that he was with her for every step of. Then, his son Bailey goes missing one day, apparently snatched from outside a shop when Ashley left him alone for a few moments. In the years since, Ashley has become a very different person, having changed both his personality and appearance. He no longer paints, he rarely goes out, and he's modified his body with piercings and surgeries to 'reflect' the monster he believes is inside him.
One of the ways in which Ashley has found to contend with his depression is to help others through theirs. He's developed a ritual, designed for those who have given up on life and have reached rock bottom. Ashley takes these people to a remote location and buries them alive. Left underground for thirty minutes before being dug back up, the person is left to contemplate what it would mean if their life ended their and then, and how much they want that to happen. People emerge from the other side of the ritual reinvigorated, a newfound desire for life within them, and an appreciation for the beauty of the world. Ashley, unable to help himself move past his own turmoil, is doing it for others.
But Ashley's life changes when the police find evidence of his son, evidence that points to him having been murdered. Now Ashley doesn't quite believe in the ritual anymore, doesn't think that life is worth living for those like him. In meeting Jinx, his latest candidate for the ritual, that Ashley's life goes in a horrifying new direction.
At Dark, I Become Loathsome is not an easy read. It deals with themes of depression, loss, suicidal ideation, murder, sexual abuse, animal cruelty, and more. But it's not just a cruel and disturbing read, there's a story there too, a character we're following who's living through a terrible series of events, and transformation into something that most people would call monstrous. Ashley's journey is interesting to see, even if it's not an enjoyable or comfortable one. He's a man lost to grief, who has found truly awful ways of dealing with his depression. He views himself as a monster, he views the body modifications he's gotten as monstrous, he sees himself as damned, trapped forever in misery. He's a broken, pathetic person, but you're not sure if he's deserving of your pity.
As with other LaRocca books, there's heavy use of disturbing themes such as sexual violence and abuse, body horror, and animal cruelty. These are not pleasant to read about, and because of this I understand that LaRocca won't be to everyone's tastes. I don't think that this is the worst book for these themes, I've read much worse, but because I was particularly unwell whilst reading it, and thanks to some upsetting things going on at the time, I found this to be one of the hardest books for me to read. There's no joy here, no light to cling onto. It's misery, depression, and disgust. So make sure that you're in the right frame of mind to read this, because if not it's going to be a very difficult journey.
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