Relationships

I’ve never been comfortable with dating.  In fact, I’ve avoided it where possible if I’m being honest.  There have been a number of situations over the years where the opportunities for a fling or a relationship have come along, but some part of me wouldn’t let me do it.  I never really felt comfortable with the idea of dating someone, even though I was desperate for some sense of companionship and love. 

I now know that it was being trans that was standing in my way.  I wasn’t comfortable with the gender roles in relationships because they just didn’t apply to me.  Even before I’d figured out I was transgender some part of me must have known it and stopped me from being in a relationship.  I can see it all quite clearly now, though at the time I just didn’t understand what was wrong with me.

Now I am out to both myself and the people around me and much, much more comfortable with myself as a person, even though I am very early in the transition stage, and couldn’t even begin to hope to pass as female I am at least being treated as one by my friends.  The thing is, now that I am comfortable with myself and acknowledge the fact that I am Trans I still feel like I can’t date anyone.

I find myself in this horrible situation where I don’t even know where to begin, how I’d go about doing it.  I look male.  I’m trying my hardest to start transitioning but to be 100% honest people will look at me and see a man, not in a million years would they see a woman.  So how do I deal with being a trans woman that looks male when dating?

I guess I just don’t understand how anyone would want to be in a relationship with me when I am at this point in my transition.  Personality is definitely the biggest factor when choosing someone to be in a relationship with, but lets all be honest, what the person looks like is a huge part too.

I’d like to believe that there are people out there who would turn around and say that they are attracted to someone for who they are 100% and that their looks don’t play any part of it, but would that be true?  Surely the thing that separates friendships and relationships is the physical attraction.

As such I look at myself and question how anyone would be able to enter a relationship with me when at the moment my whole physical being is going to change.  I’ve not even started hormones yet so there isn’t even a hint at what I might end up looking like.  Surely if someone wanted to be in a relationship with me they’d be taking a complete gamble on what I’d even end up looking like.

I know that there are people that are attracted to trans people, and that they wouldn’t find anything wrong with dating a trans person, but when the trans person doesn’t fit that model because they’re physically all male what then?

The main reason this is bothering me at the moment is that I just feel incredibly lonely.  I’ve been single most of my life, and am fairly used to it, but when everyone around you is either in a relationship or starting a relationship and you can’t help but think about your own romantic situation.

Because of these concerns I have about relationships whilst transitioning I can’t help but fear that I’m going to at least thirty or more before I’m even going to be able to have a relationship with anyone.  I know that thirty isn’t especially old, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve already lost out on so much of my life, so many experiences, that having to wait is just going to add to that list of stuff that I’ve missed out on.

One of the worst parts of being trans is that I feel like my life isn’t real, that everything I do doesn’t count or isn’t real because right now I’m not really me. I look around me at other people living their lives, building their futures and being happy and I feel like I just don’t have any of that.  Despite everything I’ve achieved in my life I just can’t take any real pride in it. 

For years I wanted to be a published writer, to have a book with my name on it.  I did that.  I set my sights on that goal and I achieved it, but it wasn’t what I thought it would be.  I can see why now, once again it was being trans that was ruining it for me without me even understanding why.  I look at the books I have worked on and all I see is the name Mark Walker, mocking me.  ‘Here’s your published work’ it says ‘but it doesn’t even have your real name on it.’

I hate being alone when everyone else around me is happy, but I can’t even begin to figure out how to change that.  I’m too hard on myself, and too cynical about the world.  I’m sure that if I really tried that I’d find a man or a woman who’d like me for who I was and what I was wouldn’t be an issue, but it just seems too fantastical to be true.  I just can’t believe that it would happen.

Amy.

xx

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