Playing On My Mind

I’ve had some bad experiences lately with people giving me some very transphobic comments, both people I know and complete strangers on the internet.  Whilst these accounts might actually be able to fill a blog post in itself that’s not what I’m going to be looking at here.  Instead it’s a few of the things that were said and how they’ve been playing on my mind, on my fears, since in a way that I wasn’t expecting.

One of the things that happened recently, and unfortunately not for the first time, was that I was messaged on Facebook by someone that saw I’m transgender and felt the need to make sexual advances towards me.  I’m sure that I’m not alone in this, and whilst my cisgender friends will have probably experiences this I know for a fat that a lot of transgender people have gone through the same experience.  Someone who has a fetish for transgender women sees that you’re trans and immediately sends you horribly graphic sexual messages.

I don’t know what it is about these certain internet ‘chasers’ (as the community calls them) but it appears that because they see trans women in nothing but a sexual way they assume that trans women must be obsessed with sex themselves, that we will respond positively to pictures of their genitals or messages like ‘Hey sexy, I’d love to suck your sweet tranny cock’ (a direct quote from one of the messages I’ve been sent).  The worst part, however, is when you turn around to these people and tell them to leave you alone, that you’re not interested in their sexual advances and they respond with a slew of filth.

I’ve had ranging from ‘fuck you’ to ‘you’re just a cock teasing fag’ all the way up to ‘go and fucking die’.  The latest response I received was this;

                ‘I was only trying to be nice to you [this was in response to him sending me a picture

                of his erect penis and the message ‘wanna ride?’] why are you being such a bitch?’

I responded by telling him that sending people you don’t know pictures like that is hardly being nice and that I’m in no way interested.  He then hit back with this;

                ‘You’re not going to get any better offers.  No one would want to have more than just

                sex with you.  You think you’re going to find some nice guy and live happy?  People like

     you are just sluts.  Go and kill yourself.  Fucking tranny.’

Like I said, not the first time I’ve had something like this so I’m normally used to just shrugging it off.  This time however something stuck in my head.  Something that has been there at the back of my mind for a while and if truth be told has worried me. 

I’ve been finding it hard lately.  My transition (in my opinion) isn’t going well.  Or at least not as well and as fast as I want.  I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of things by having to live a life that’s not really mine, and that each and every day that I’m forced to continue doing so (I’m not full time yet and mainly present as male) I’m losing more and more.  And one of the things I feel like I’m missing out on, one of the things I genuinely fear I might never have, is a relationship.

That’s what that guy said to me and stuck with me.  Am I going to find someone and get to be happy?  I know that it’s probably not the be all and end all of life, that I can be happy whilst being single, but I don’t want to be single.  Someday I do want to find someone, be happy and maybe if I’m lucky somehow have a family.  Usually I don’t worry about such things and just think ‘oh well, it’ll happen someday’.

The thing is, I think I’m developing feelings for someone.  Actually forget that, I know I’m developing feelings for someone.  Now this person knows that I’m transgender, as pretty much everyone who knows me does so at least that’s all out in the open.  I’ve had growing feelings about this person for a while now, and we both get on really well with each other.  We’ve got a lot in common and we have some really personal conversations and some great laughs together.  I know from conversations that we both want similar things in life as a whole too.  During one conversation too they described the kind of partner they want.  They described me.  They described my personality, my interests, everything about me.  All accept one thing.  They described a female.

As far as I know this person is only attracted to cis-women (I’m also aware that by this point I’ve not brought up this persons gender or sexual orientation, this is to leave it vague enough that if they end up reading this they won’t be able to know that it’s them).

If I was a cis-woman I’d ask this person out in a second, and from what I’ve learnt about them I’m confident that I’d have something of a chance.  Maybe something would even have happened naturally by now if I was cis.  I like this person, really like them.  But I’m scared that they’ve got no interest in a trans-woman.  I’d like to think, I’d hope, that maybe I’d have a shot with them.  But how can that happen, especially when they know me pre-transition?

Even if someone was open minded enough to be attracted to trans women, could that extend to me when presenting as male?  If when I finally go through the transition I’m the perfect partner for this person just like they said, would they ever be interested in me knowing the person I was before?

The truth is I’m scared of being alone.  I’m lonely and it hurts and I’m afraid it won’t ever go away.  Can anyone actually care about me or will people just look at me as a fetish, as their ‘kinky sexual desire’? 

I need to transition in order to be happy in my own body, but every time that I have doubts about it or the fears take over one of the things that goes through my mind the most is that I’m always going to be alone.  Sometimes I want to give up on transitioning and just pretend to be male because I think that at least then I can have the chance of finding someone to be with, that I could have a family.  I’m just terrified that I’m always going to have my heart broken and that I’m always going to be alone.

Amy.

xx

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Game of Thrones Finale Predictions

We’re fast approaching the final episode of season four of Game of Thrones and its set to be the best finale yet.  With the last two episodes having been absolute stunners, with Tyrion’s trial by combat taking a dramatic turn and the Wildling attack on the wall and Castle Black the final episode has a lot to do to deliver on the shows claims that it’s going to be the best yet.

So what can we be expecting in this ‘greatest finale yet’?  Here are my best guesses based on publicity material and my own deductions.

Should be obvious to say but this will contain spoilers!

Brans Journey

The home of the tree-eyed raven.

Bran and his little band of followers have been travelling beyond the Wall for the whole of season four and apart from a brief stop at Craster’s Keep he hasn’t really done that much.  Plus we haven’t even seen him for more than two episodes now.  Seeing Bran in the finale is a foregone conclusion.  But what’s he going to be doing?

I believe that we’ll see Bran reach his destination and find the large weirwood tree where the three-eyed-raven can be found.  Hopefully we will get to see the Children of the Forest and Lord Brynden (the three-eyed-raven) that will set up the next stage of Brans journey for season five.

Aryas Destiny

Aryas destiny awaits in Bravos.

Having just found out that Lysa Arryn is dead Arya and the Hound have been left with their main goal stolen away from them.  They’ve spent months travelling across Westeros, becoming begrudging allies, only to find out that the thing that has kept them together no longer exists.  So what will they do next?

I doubt that the Hound will just abandon Arya now that he cannot ransom her, instead I think that she’ll convince him to let her stay with him.  However, as readers of the books will know the Hounds injury he sustained in episode seven is a little more serious that anyone might think. 

I think that before this episode ends Arya will make the decision to travel to Bravos and train to become a Faceless Man.  Whether this is a conclusion she comes to and decides to leave the Hound or if the Hound will be dead before the credits roll I’m not sure.  But I do believe that we will see Arya finding her new purpose and setting out to leave Westeros and her old like behind.

Daenerys and her Children

Daenerys' dragons grow wilder every day.

The title of the episode ‘The Children’ seem to me to be a hint at the dragons.  We’ve had hints over the last nine episodes of Daenerys’ dragons becoming more and more wild and unruly.  I think that this will be the episode where one of the dragons is responsible for the death of a human. 

With Daenerys having just banished her best friend Jorah Mormont from her new kingdom she’s in a dark place already.  Now would be the perfect time to have her face the harsh reality that perhaps her ‘children’ are not what she would like them to be but wild monsters.

I would also not be surprised if we see the creation of the Sons of the Harpy and their terrorist war on Daenerys in the streets of Meereen.  Something else that connects to the episode title.

The Battle for the North

The Baratheon army comes to the Night Watch's aid.

The last episode gave us a spectacular battle at the Wall that put season two’s Battle for Blackwater Bay to shame.  Ending with a scene that I’m sure had many people shouting at the screen Jon Snow leaves the safety of the Wall, unarmed, and heads out to confront Mance Rayder and stop the attack on the wall.

How’s he going to do it?  Will he succeed or die in the attempt?  Well as you’re reading this I’m sure that you’ve either read the books or don’t care about spoilers so I’m going to say what happens. 

I think that without a doubt we will see Stannis Baratheon arrive at the wall with his new army and defeat the Wildlings.  We’ve seen small hints of this in the series trailers before the first episode even aired with Baratheon knights on horseback in the snow.

Tyrions Fate

Tyrion finds Shae in his fathers bed.

Episode eight saw Tyrion Lannister at his absolute worst.  With Prince Oberyn killed by the Mountain during Tyrions trial by combat his fate has been sealed.  He has been deemed guilty by both gods and men and faces execution for the murder of King Joffrey.  So what’s going to happen to him in the finale?

I believe that this episode will see Tyrion escaping from Kings Landing and the clutches of his father with the help of Jamie and Varys.  What I am hoping we see is Tyrions confrontation with  Shea and Tywin.  After the emotion fuelled trial where Shea turned on Tyrion and we got one of the best pieces of acting from Peter Dinklage we’ve had yet.

However, there is a potential for this episode to outshine the trial, especially if we get to see Tyrion confront and kill Shea and his father.

Lady Stoneheart

Fake or real, when Lady Stoneheart makes her entrance I'll be excited.

The biggest and most exciting thing about the season finale is the introduction of Lady Stoneheart.  I’ve been waiting for her to make an appearance since the end of season three and it looks like it might actually come to pass in the end of this episode.  I’m guessing that if she is in the episode it will be as the final scene to leave the audience going ‘WHAT THE HELL?!’ as the credits roll.

The main thing that makes me think she will be in the episode are some apparently leaked images of her from the episode.  Now, I know that the chances of these being real aren’t 100%, they could easily be photo shopped, but she has to make an appearance some time so why not now?

So there you go, my predictions for what we’re going to be seeing in the season four finale of Game of Thrones.  I hope I turn out to be right.

Amy.

xx

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Days of Sequels Past

My comic book reading has taken something of a back seat lately, and even when I do it’s rarely something new.  I haven’t read anything Marvel or DC in months, well nothing DC really, Marvel is another matter.  Despite the fact that I grew up as a fan of Marvel Saturday morning cartoons I never really warmed to their books, preferring the world and the characters of the DC Universe.

Whenever I do read Marvel, however, the only titles I actually acre about are the X-Men books.  It might be because I enjoyed the 90’s cartoon series, it might be because of the great range and selection of female characters they have on offer.  Or perhaps I, like many others, identitfy with the mutants and their plight due to being part of a minority.  Especially one that is often at the centre of hate crime, political debate and media attention.

Whatever the reasoning I’m an X-Men fan, and like other X-Men fans and comic book readers in general I eagerly looked forward to each new instalment of the mutant franchise.  I really enjoyed the first two films, and even managed to find some things in the terrible third film I actually liked.  Kelsey Grammer as Beast being the main one.  ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ was so dire though that I thought that my beloved franchise had gone and imploded like so many film series seem to inevitably do.

The X-Men fight for their lives like never before.

Then ‘X-Men First Class’ came out and blew me away.  Not only was their now a good X-Men film that explored the origins of the franchise, it also gave us some brilliant characters that had not had the chance to take centre stage before.  Plus it was just a damn good movie!  I challenge anyone to watch the scene where Magneto confronts a pair of former Nazi’s in a south American bar without saying it’s a great scene.

So as soon as ‘Days of Future Past’ was announced I was very, very excited.  We were about to be given a film directed by series legend Brian Singer.  It was going to be based upon one of the most famous comic book stories of all time.  The cast from the original trilogy and First Class would appear.  Plus a whole load of new characters such as Bishop and Blink appear.  This film was set up to be nothing short of amazing.  And you know what?  It delivered.

Opening with an action sequence set in the nightmarish future timeline that not only showed just how high the stakes were for our heroes but also gave the X-Men a chance to really show off their powers in a way that the other films in the series have only dreamed of.

Old favourites return to fight alongside new characters like Blink.

With the Sentinel controlled future firmly established the film shifts both tone and style rather dramatically as we’re taken into the past and end up in the 1970’s.  The film works brilliantly in this time period, especially with Hugh Jackman bombing around in the 70’s style shirt and wolverine hair.  Jennifer Lawrence in particular looks stunning in her period clothing, lighting up the screen whenever she’s around.

What follows is a fun romp through the past with enough comedy and heartbreak to feel genuine and realistic without becoming a parody of itself or the time it’s set in.  Each cast member is given their own moment to shine, not an easy feat with such a large cast of characters and actors to juggle. 

Despite being a time travel film that could have very easily fallen into the ‘none of it happened/counts’ trap that similar films have fallen into in the past, but this time ‘Days of Future Past’ dodges that particular trap to deliver a well thought out and emotionally driven piece that gives the audience a satisfying conclusion.  With some surprise character appearances and some knowing nods the conclusion of the film not only sets an exciting stage for 2016’s ‘X-Men Apocalypse’ but gives a sweet farewell to the original trilogy cast that fans will love.

Amy.

xx

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First Time Out As Amy

I’m always going to remember last night.  Not because I hung out with my friends, not because I went to an awesome book launch and not because I saw an amazing film for the first time.  I’m going to remember last night because it was the first time out in public as the real me.  Last night I went out presenting as Amy, in public, for the best part of twelve hours.

Yesterday my friends and I attended the book launch for David Flint’s new book ‘Sheer Filth’, a book I m very much looking forward to cracking open.  The launch was held in Nottingham at the Broadway Cinema, where their would be a showing of the new Jake West documentary ‘Video Nasties 2: Draconian Days’, followed by a Q&A with the film makers and David Flint.  It was a great night, a brilliant film and interesting and different experience.

David Flint's book 'Sheer Flith!'

I’m not sure what it was that made me decide that last night was going to be ‘The Night’ but something in me said ‘now’s the time’.  So I got home from work early, spent the best part of two hours getting ready then started to panic.

As soon as I was done with my prep and was waiting to get picked up the fear kicked in.  I guess it’s because I had nothing to do to occupy my mind but I started to really freak out about the prospect of going outside, into the ‘real world’ as me for the first time.  I began to hyperventilate, my hands were shaking, I felt sick and the only thing stopping me from crying a little was the knowledge that it would fuck up my mascara.

Luckily for me I’ve got some awesome friends and they quickly rallied around me to calm me down, reassuring me that nothing was going to happen to me and that they were their for me.  So we all jumped into the car, me still thinking that this was going to be a terrible idea, but I was in the middle seat so it’s not like I could jump out and escape.

We reached Nottingham and then came the next hurdle, actually getting out of the safe confines of the car.  It seemed like every time I got over one irrational fear another would rear its head!  Walking through the city centre felt like a minefield, my eyes were constantly scanning the crowd.  Was anyone looking at me?  Why are those people over their laughing, is it me?  Is anyone saying anything?  Does anyone look like they want to hurt me?  I was also massively conscious of my body language the whole way, concentrating so hard on moving femininely it was giving me a fucking headache.

Nottingham City Centre Nightlife.

As we neared our destination though I began to relax a little.  No one was laughing or pointing or calling me names.  No one was even looking twice.  ‘Hey’, I thought, ‘maybe this isn’t so bad after all’.  As soon as we got to the cinema though I realised that their were a couple of little hurdles that I’d forgotten about and was suddenly getting worked up over once again.

The first was the fact that I needed to pee.  Now, normally I’m presenting as male, so I go into the male toilets, pee and leave, no problems whatsoever.  This night though I was going to have to use the women’s toilets.  What if other people were in their?  What if they could tell I’m trans when I walk in?  what if they start to freak out or make a fuss or get nasty?  If it wasn’t for the fact that I would have to hold it for another five hours and that my friend also needed to go I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have even gone in their.  But once again, I did it and their were no problems at all.

The second thing that threw me once I was in the cinema was ordering snacks and my drink.  ‘Fuck, my voice is going to give me away!’  I thought to myself.  I’ve only had one speech therapy session so far and my work schedule has made it hard for me to keep up my vocal practice so I’m going to get clocked for sure.  So I tried altering my pitch, kept my voice quiet and talked as little as possible.  I’m sure that some of the people I spoke to suspected but at least they didn’t say anything.

Later in the night, once the film had finished and we went up to the bar area to meet the author and get a copy of the book, I did notice a few people that seemed to be giving me longer than normal looks, and even had one guy squeeze past me and say ‘excuse me sir’.  Not the best thing to happen no, but it was far from the worst.

Yep, that's me....taking a damn 'selfie'.  God I hate myself for that.

Last night was one of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had, but I’m glad I did it.  Thanks to hormones I’m starting to be able to see a female when I look into the mirror rather than a ‘tranny in a bad wig’.  Last night helped me to reaffirm those thoughts, I mean maybe others were seeing me as female too.  Those people in the bar would have been looking over at me because of the fact that I’m quite tall.  It could have been because of any number of reasons that had nothing to do with figuring out what I am.  Maybe I even misheard the ‘sir’ comment as it was in a quite loud room.

With a lot of the horror stories I’d heard about bad experiences trans women have had in going out in public and my own irrational fears I was absolutely petrified of what I did last night.  But I’m damn glad I did it.  I’m not in a massive hurry to do it again and theirs no fucking way I’m doing it on my own but I’m glad its done and that it will be easier next time too.

The Broadway Cinema, my place of triumph :P

For anyone reading this that isn’t at that stage yet and is worried about their first time out, well yeah, be scared.  It is fucking scary.  But its also not as bad as your mind will tell you its going to be.  Surround yourself with people you love and people you trust and it will make it a whole lot easier too.

I owe my friends big time for last night.  They helped to keep me strong, stopped me from freaking out or just outright refusing to go.  Even if they didn’t realise they were doing it, just by being their with me, being themselves and treating me like nothing was wrong and it was an ordinary night was just what I needed.  Thank  you Hannah, Jake, Lehen and Mario.  I love you guys for what you did last night.

Amy.
xx

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Sticking It To The Man

‘South Park: The Stick of Truth’ is a game I remember hearing about years ago and quickly forgot as all news of its development seemed to disappear into the background of other bigger gaming news.  Then, all of a sudden it was here, on the shelves and ready to buy. 

To be honest I wasn’t sure what to expect from the game, most games made from animated TV shows end up being fairly shit.  Family Guy and Simpson’s are both guilty of this.  Everything I’d seen for the game had made it look brilliant though and I so desperately wanted it to be so.  And you know what?  It was!

Not only does the game feel like it fits in perfectly into the universe of the show, with the same brilliantly bad animation and unique humour, but it also plays as a damn good game in its own rights. 

Stick of Truth features dozens of the show's iconic characters.

TSOT is an RPG and plays just like one.  You pick your class, choosing between Fighter, Mage, Thief and Jew.  You equip your character with different armour and weapons that each has differing stats and abilities and you complete both main and optional quests around the town of South Park.

If you’re a fan of role playing games then this will all feel familiar to you and you’ll fall fight into the game with little problems and soon be exploring the iconic locations from the show and interacting with the townspeople. 

Fight alongside iconic characters at iconic locations.

The storyline is fairly simple (to begin with) you’re the new kid in town and you soon find yourself drawn into an epic battle between the human Kingdom of Koopa Keep, the KKK, and the elves, all of whom are fighting for control over the fabled Stick of Truth.  Except none of it’s really happening, it’s just the local kids playing a game.  But it works perfectly.  It doesn’t feel out of place within the South Park universe, it doesn’t feel shoehorned in or forced and when things inevitably descend into chaos and the fate of the town hangs in the balance it’s true to what we’ve seen before.

If you like role playing games and enjoys South Park then there is no reason not to play this game as you’ll love it.  I completed the main story in roughly fifteen hours but still had lots of side quests to complete and collectables to find which ensures longer play time and at points I found myself laughing out loud at the brilliant humour.  Whether you’re a fan of the show or someone with just a passing familiarity then you should definitely give this game a try as you won’t help but fall a little in love with it.

Amy.

xx

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Walking Home Alone

So, the other week I experienced something new for the first time.  I was out of the house, presenting as female all on my own.  It’s not as epic as that might sound, I had a speech therapy session first thing in the morning and just stayed ‘girled up’ all day.  That night I went round my friends and we hung out.  Then came the part I hadn’t thought about, walking home in the middle of the night on my own.

Now, I usually do this a lot, some of my work shifts require me to walk through some pretty dodgy parts of my hometown very late at night so I’m no stranger to being out and about after dark.  The thing that I was worried about this time though was the fact that I was presenting as myself.

I know it shouldn’t really make a difference but even before I left my friends house I was filled with worry.  What if something happened to me?  What if someone could tell I was trans and made me a target?

I swallowed my fear and left my friends house and began the journey home.  It wasn’t too bad for the most part.  I found myself a little on edge but it wasn’t  like I was shaking with fear the whole way home.  However, there then came the point where I had to pass by a group of guys.  As soon as I saw them I filled with dread and felt vulnerable.  They weren’t even on the same side of the road as me, but even so I felt on edge.

The only thing different about this time walking home and the hundreds of others I had was that this time I didn’t looks male.  That’s it, nothing else.  So why was it that little change could have such an effect on me that I was literally afraid to walk past a group of guys?

Perhaps it’s the news stories I read of trans women, and even regular women, being targets of violence and aggression when they are walking alone at night.  But those kind of things are rare and I knew logically that nothing like that would happen to me yet I still felt fear.

Is it my irrationality or do we genuinely live in a world where women feel fear where they shouldn’t, in scenarios where men never would?  I’m happy that I’m transitioning, that I’m becoming the real me.  But if this is the type of thing I’m going to experience more often, simply because that’s the way the world is then theirs something wrong with the world.

Amy.
xx

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A Cabin Full of Surprises

I’ve been meaning to watch ‘Cabin in the Woods’ since it came out.  I like horror and I like Joss Whedon so it made perfect sense to watch it right?  Then everyone I know that’s seen it and every review I see online begins to not only praise the film but rave about it.

Now, most people would see that as something that would spur them on to watch it, but as many of the people who know me will attest it’s the kind of thing that drives me away from stuff.  I’ve had experiences where films that have been so hyped up that by the time I finally get round to seeing it they nowhere live up to it.  I mean, it took me twelve years to finally watch ‘Donnie Darko’ because of this kind of thing!

As such ‘Cabin in the Woods’ in the woods had been out for well over a year and my friends were continually asking me why I hadn’t yet seen it.  Well, one of my friends had had enough and gave me the DVD in an attempt to drive me into watching it.  A few days later and I’m looking for something to watch of an evening and I see the DVD sitting their and I think ‘oh sod it what the hell’ and pick it up.

Our group of heroes ready to be picked off one at a time.

Now I knew going into it that their was going to be something special about the film, that it was more than what the title suggested and was going to be more than the average teenagers in the woods kind of film.  None of that knowledge, however, could have prepared me for what I was about to see.

Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard essentially create a love letter to classic horror  films.  It follows the standard formula and set up, but in its own special way that points out the silliness of these character and situational stereotypes without being disrespectful to them.   The film also throws so many different types of monsters and creatures at the audience that there’s something in their for everyone but manages to balance it well that the end doesn’t feel like the cluster fuck that it could have so easily have become.

The plot is amazing.  Its well written and unfolds in such a way that there’s always something more to learn right up until the very end, and by the time the film does end you’ll find yourself wishing their could have been loads more.  The film feels like the start of something big, like the tip of the iceberg teasing us at what else their could be.  there is so much sense of mystery, grandeur and history here that this could very easily have been the first film in a new horror franchise.  But luckily its not.

A film not afraid to tread new ground and be daring.

And I say luckily because whilst I would have loved to have seen more the film stands out so much more for  being a one off.  If you want more  out of  it you’ll watch it again and again and its one of those films where you get more from it on subsequent viewings.

I literally cannot find fault with this film.  I enjoyed it that much that less than twenty four hours after watching it I had my own copy on blurry!  We need more films like this.  Films that subvert expectations, that aren’t scared to do their own thing and challenge the norm and just play it safe.  A lot of film makers can learn a lesson from ‘Cabin in the Woods’ of how to make a film that I’m sure will stand out for years to come.

Amy.

xx

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Reaching Too High

Last week I finally got round to playing Halo: Reach, the prequel game to the overly popular Xbox series of first person shooters.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the Halo games, in fact it was the disappointing cliff hanger to Halo 2 that made me go out and buy an Xbox 360 and a copy of Halo 3.  I got to the end of the game and thought ‘you fucking bastards!’ as the credits began to roll and immediately walked to the nearest Game and bought a 360.

I never once believed that Halo 3 would be the end of the franchise, no matter how much the company said it would be.  After all if such statements were true then we wouldn’t be stuck in sequel hell with things like Final Fantasy, Police Academy, Resident Evil and so many awful fucking horror movie franchises.  So here I was, presented with yet another poor excuse of expanding the series without having the balls to commit to a proper sequel (this game did come out before Halo 4 remember).

'Reach' does give us some fun space flying sections to break
the tedium.

Halo: Reach is a game that tells you exactly what’s going to happen with the fucking title.  After all, you’re barely five minutes into the first game before the characters mention how Reach got totally fucked up and everyone died.  It’s no surprise then that you’re playing through one long suicide mission with no hopes of seeing yourself or any of the other NCP’s live past the closing credits.

With the obvious outcome put to one side the game itself was somewhat enjoyable, not the worst fps I’ve ever played by far.  The game starts with you as a new member of the Spartan Noble Unit, and given the chance to choose to play as either male or female.  I know such choices don’t amount to much in games where the most you see of your character is their hands but it was nice to have the option to play as an armour clad badass who grunts in a female voice rather than a male one.

Halo: Reach gives you a variety of missions, from roaming the sunny hills and valleys of the titular planet, infiltrating a Covenant spaceship (because we’ve never done that in a Halo game before, for fuck sake!), a futuristic city and aerial dogfights.

The Covenant come to fuck some shit up.

Whilst the locations in the game feel like a standard Halo checklist just being ticked off one at a time the way they play are at least a little bit more interesting with the inclusion of jet packs (though not in nearly enough of the game for my liking) and flying a fighter ship in space.

At the end of the day though whilst their isn’t anything particularly wrong with the game (other than possibly needing more levels.  Seriously I finished it in like a day!) it just doesn’t quite do it for me.  I think one of the main problems with this game, and something I’ve noticed from the Halo series on a whole since its move to the Xbox 360 is its dependence on multi-player to really sell its games.

'Reach' lets you play as a female Spartan, mine had pretty
pink and purple armour.

The biggest problem I have with the series are its mouth breathing teenage cunts of an audience who do nothing but play Halo multiplayer all the time, spouting complete fucking shit through their mic’s and blowing the fuck out of anyone who hasn’t played the multiplayer for two hundred fucking hours.  The single player campaign feels more like an add on, something to give the players to do when not playing the main game, multiplayer.

Not the worst game in the series but more fan service and an excuse for Microsoft to rake in more cash from a disc release of something that would be more at home as an Xbox live release.  Whilst it was a fairly entertaining waste of my time I’m glad I only spent £4 on it.

Amy.
xx

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Thank You For Outing Me

I’ve been put into an unusual position this week at work.  A colleague of mine, a fellow supervisor, discovered the fact that I’m transgender.  You see, I’m not out at work, I’m not even presenting as Amy yet.  It turns out that this fellow supervisor knows someone that knows someone that knows me, and learnt of my situation through this third party.

Rather than try to confirm what he’d heard of come and talk to me about it he instead began to tell everyone and anyone at work who would listen to him.  Along with another person who decided that spreading the rumours would be the best thing to do, it was all around the shop before I knew what was happening.  I didn’t know who knew and who didn’t, what they’d been told and what exactly they thought was going on.

I was devastated and distraught.  There was a plan in place for coming out at work and it was never this.  I was in a rage, I was fighting back the tears.  My manager and I decided that the best thing to do would be to confront these rumours head on, to address the staff and tell them what was actually happening so as to stop the disinformation and hearsay.  So that was decided, I’d write a statement and he’d read it out to everyone and that would be that.

Last night, when speaking to a friend of mine she advised me that I probably shouldn’t be there when it happens, that its not my job to educate people.  She said that I don’t have to be the voice for the transgender community.

So  this morning I wrote my statement for my manager to read out and I thought that was that. Then I did my morning stroll through Facebook.  The big news, that I’m sure that you’re all aware of, was Ellen Page coming out as gay.

I watched the video of her speech, her beautifully prepared words and I was amazingly touched by what she said and the bravery of coming out to a room full of people and cameras that mean that thousands, perhaps even millions would see.  A lot of celebrities that come out do so in a press release, or they have their agents release the information.  This, however, was an amazing way to do it.

A true inspiration and amazingly brave young woman.

I watched that video and thought about what she did and I threw away the statement I had written.  Ellen Page didn’t need to put that spotlight on her, she didn’t need to draw that attention in such a public coming out but she did because she hoped that it would do some good.

That’s what I needed to do.  Though I respect the friend who advised me a great deal her comment about not needing to be the voice for the transgender community suddenly felt really wrong to me.  There’s a good chance that most of the people I work with have never known an openly trans person before, there’s a chance they might never know one again after me.  If I’m not going to be that voice then who is?

I’m not saying I speak for every trans person out there, I’m not that arrogant, but until forced to deal with a trans person in their real lives most people’s knowledge of our community is based upon the misinformation and stereotypes pumped out by the media.  The place where we are vilified, made fun of and ridiculed.  If I didn’t speak out to them then how will they know the real situation?

There was no point in having someone else read a cold and clinical statement, I needed to speak to them more from the heart. They need to see the human side of what is going on and the pain and emotion their.  If all I achieve by putting myself in the limelight at work is that a handful of people gain a greater understanding of the struggle that trans people go through than surely it’s worth any kind of pain I might end up going through.

So tomorrow I will be speaking to the staff, a gathering of close to fifty people and reading the following statement out to them;

'I have prepared this statement to address the various rumours and misinformation that has been told about me over this last week.  Some of what you have heard is true, some of it is not.  It is time to confront these rumours, to dispel the lies that have been told about me and to set the facts straight. 

The truth is, I’m transsexual.  What this means, in its simplest form, is that I was born with a female brain in a male body.  I have suffered with this condition, this recognised medical condition, for years and am finally now doing something to correct it. 

Despite what many of you have been led to believe by these rumours or by popular misconception portrayed by the media this is not a choice, kink or lifestyle option.  I was born this way, with no more control over that fact than anyone in this room has over their gender, their height or the colour of their skin.  The only thing that I have had a choice about was whether to do something about it  or not, to choose to either correct this mistake and try to claim some semblance of a happy life or to continue to live in what can only be described as a living hell.  I chose the first option.

As such, over the coming months you will notice physical changes taking place as a result of my treatment.  You will see the real me start to develop physically.
All I ask during this period is to be treated with the dignity and respect that I or anyone else deserves. 

Though my outward appearance may be changing I will still be the same person that you have come to know over the last weeks and months, though you may get to know the parts of myself that I feel compelled to hide because of the prejudices put upon me by society. 

Because of this physical change from male to female I will eventually have a new legal name and title and will require the use of female pronouns.  Whilst there are many people in my life who accept and support me and even now use such pronouns and my correct name I will not be asking that if you now as I do not want to make things difficult or confusing for yourselves or the customers. 

This was not the way that myself of the management team wanted this situation to unfold.  Unfortunately, circumstances have taken this choice, this incredibly personal choice out of my hands.  As such I hope that you can appreciate that this has been an unbelievably stressful  and deeply upsetting time for me, and whilst I am happy to answer non-overly invasive or personal questions please appreciate that tonight is not the time or the place. 

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to talk to you all, to be able to clear up some of these rumours that have been going around and for the wonderful support some of you have already shown me.'

It’s going to be hard to stand in front of all those people and speak from the heart like that, but you know what?  It needs to be done.  In reality what’s the worst that can come from this?  That it becomes so unbearable to work their that I have to leave and find a new job?  That I get abuse?  That I get attacked or even worse killed?

Even if that does happen, as ridiculously small a chance as it is it won’t necessarily be a bad thing.  I’m not saying I want to die, I’m not saying that I’d accept death in any way.  What I guess I’m trying to get across is that even if the very worst happens as long as I’ve made even one person more aware of transgender peoples struggles and more open to helping our community than it would have been worth every moment.

There are so many terrible things happening in the world for the LGBT community right now, and none of them are going to get better on their own.  People won’t stop taking their right away, wont stop attacking or killing them unless others stop them.  Again, I’m not saying I have the power to change the world, I’m only one person after all.  But by making even one person change their views it’s doing something, something that can go on to effect even greater changes.

All the world needs for the evil people in it to achieve their goals is for the rest of us to do nothing.  So my friend was definitely wrong, I am the voice of the transgender community, and so are you.  So is everyone out their.  We speak for the trans, the gay, the lesbian, the black, the white, the old, the young, anyone who needs a voice.  It is down to all of us to help each other and make the world a better place.

Our silence is the greatest weapon that those who want to oppress us have.

Barely two days ago I didn’t think this.  This week has thrown my world around and sent me through an emotional rollercoaster and forced me to re-evaluate how I think of myself and the life I have.  So to those that outted me, those that forced me into this position I genuinely and honestly say ‘thank you’.  Thank you for making me a better person.

Amy.
xx

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'Justice League: War' Review

I like reading comic books, and DC in particular.  I started out interested in comics from an early age having watched the 90’s Spider-Man and X-Men cartoons on a Saturday morning and was drawn into the world of Marvel and their characters.  It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I actually started reading comics and it was at this point I was drawn more towards DC.  Their characters, history and the legacy of the universe is what won me over.  I liked the fact that I could go back and read about the Golden Age Flash, see him meet Barry Allen, see Barry train Wally West and Wally eventually take over for Barry and grow into the mantle himself.  It felt real and natural and there was so much character growth.

With that said I have to admit that I was upset when DC announced the New 52 and rebooted their universe.  Some of the changes they have made have been okay, some of the new stores they’ve told have been brilliant.  But on a whole I miss the old universe, I miss the history and depth it had.

The first new book of this new universe was Geoff Johns’ Justice League title that told the new version of the formation of the Justice League.  In this new version they had the six classis characters of Batman, Superman, Green Lantern (Hal Jordan), Wonder Woman, The Flash (Barry Allen) and Aquaman.  The seventh spot on the team went to Cyborg this time round rather than the much better Martian Manhunter, one of the best and most powerful characters in the DC Universe.

Darkseid invades the Earth with his armies.

Despite liking Johns’ work I really didn’t like this new Justice League.  I found the characters all came across as either idiots or arseholes.  The story was fairly run of the mill with nothing new or interesting to it and by the end of it I found myself with a sinking feeling for the whole of the new universe.

DC’s latest animated film ‘Justice League War’ is based on this new origin tale and is the start of their new line of ‘New 52’ movies.  For the most part I’ve enjoyed the DC animated films and went into this one with a bit more of an open mind, especially as they’ve added Shazam (Captain Marvel) to the roster too, another character that I absolutely love.

Shazam replaces Aquaman in the Justice League roster.

Unfortunately the film captured everything of the original story and magnified it.  A dull plot that’s pretty much one long boring fight, characters that are just shit and go against what they should be and the worst thing a film can do, it was just boring!

I’m really disappointed with DC for this offering.  Green Lantern acts like a cock, Superman just wants to hit everyone (except for Wonder Woman who he wants to fuck),  Shazam acts like a stupid kid (yeah I know he is a kid but what happened to the wisdom of Solomon?  He’s supposed to be wise when he’s powered up for Christ sake!).

Wonder Woman is handled particularly badly too, I know that she’s new to ‘mans world’ but she acts like she’s lived alone in a cave for years her interaction skills are so poor.  Unless she’s the only person who was on Paradise Island she’s clearly got some kind of autism.  I don’t mean that in a harsh way, I know people with autism and they’re lovely, but Wonder Woman here just seems like a poorly handled stereotype of someone with an inability to social interact appropriately.

The heroes fight each other as much as the enemy.

I suppose I have to be nice about some aspect of the film, apart from the terrible story, dire characters and bad voice acting…um, some of the animation is nice I guess.  It’s not the worst looking DC animated movie, that award has to go to the fucking dire ‘New Frontier’, but pretty animation can’t save a poor film.  If anything it makes me think of the terrible ‘All Star Batman and Robin’, a pretty book but other than that it was fucking dire!

I hope that this is not the shape of things to come for the DC films, this film barely held my attention and kind of shit on some characters that I really like.  Please DC, stop fucking over existing fans that respect our company and your heritage just on the off chance that you might draw in some new fans.

Amy.
xx

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