'After a terrible political coup usurps their noble house, Hawke and Grayson flee to stay alive and assume new identities, Hanna and Grayce. Desperation and chance lead them to the Communion of Blue, an order of magical women who spin the threads of reality to their will.
'As the twins learn more about the Communion, and themselves, they begin to hatch a plan to avenge their family and retake their royal home.While Hawke wants to return to his old life, Grayce struggles to keep the threads of her new life from unravelling, and realises she wants to stay in the one place that will allow her to finally live as a girl.'
I'd been looking forward to reading The Deep & Dark Blue for a long while. Ever since I first heard the synopsis I was onboard with the story, I love a good fantasy story, but was also drawn to the trans narrative that the book had too. Though it might be obvious from the name of my blog, this review will also be posted elsewhere so it's worth saying now, I'm trans. As such, I'm always curious about stories that involve a trans story, especially where it's not just a regular coming out story or a romance story. Getting a cool fantasy story where one of the leads is trans is something that I've wanted for a long time.
The Deep & Dark Blue follows two young members of the noble house of Sunderlay, Hawke and Grayson. Following the assassination of their grandfather, the current Lord of the house, they're forced into hiding with the Communion of the Blue, a group of women with magical abilities.
The Communion of the Blue are kind of like nuns, they wear blue as a symbol of their group, live in a separate community, and perform certain rituals and tasks for the various lordly houses and city council. During the early stages of the book we get to see a little bit about them, but don't really get to learn much about them until Hawke and Grayson disguise themselves as girls to hide amongst them.
Taken in as initiates, the twins join a group of new girls taken into the order and disguise themselves to fit in. This is the point where the book starts to really get good, and we see the main differences between the wins, who are now going by the names Hanna and Grayce. Whilst Hawke is uncomfortable in this new position, and struggles to fit in, Gracye flourishes. She's comfortable being a girl, she's fascinated by the Communion of the Blue and their ways, and she seems to have a peace about her that wasn't there before.
During the early stages of the book, where the twins are living in their family home, we see that Grayce is often unhappy. Even when she's not the focus of the panel she's always looking depressed. This goes away once she reaches the Communion, and the transformation is startling. There's a moment where they get taken in, where they're called 'girls' that highlights this shift brilliantly; Hawke is looking downwards, uncomfortable at the position they're in, whilst Grayce is looking upwards for the first time, a look of surprise on her face. I think this is the moment where she figures out that she's a girl, where those feelings of discomfort and sadness melt away and she suddenly understands those longing looks she had when she was watching other girls before. She's just been called a girl, and it feels right to her.
There are a number of moments like this during the course of the narrative, where Hawke is trying his best to fit in, but remains uncomfortable and dreams of returning to their past life, but Grayce flourishes. She not only seems to be happy in herself, but excels with her studies in the Communion, even getting chosen to be a spinner. Throughout all of this though, there are moments where we see the sadness creeping back into Grayce, where she realises that she might not be able to stay with the Communion forever, but may have to return to her old life.
There's a scene during this section of the book where one of their childhood friends, Calia, is talking with Hawke. Calia know who the twins really are, and is keeping their secret, but when she and Hawke are talking in private she keeps using female pronouns when taking about Grayce, and reuses to use her old name. It's clear in this moment that Calia has figured out what's happening with Grayce, that she's finally found her real self, even when Hawke seems blind to this fact.
Calia proves to be important to the twins journey, not just in them getting to right the wrongs that have befallen their family, but in the personal journey that Grayce goes through. Calia is there when Grayce tells her brother who she really is, she's the rock for her to lean on in that awful, terrifying moment. Despite it being set within this big fantasy world, despite being centred in a discussion about taking down a corrupt regime, this is one moment that felt so very real to me.
Telling people I'm trans isn't something that bothers me now, but the first time you say it out loud, the first time that you have to tell someone is one of the hardest and most emotionally wrecking moments of your life. And I felt that reading this. The emotions are there on Grayce's face, she's fighting back tears as she lays herself bare before her only remaining family and waits to see if he disowns her. I'm not ashamed to say that this moment actually made me cry when reading it, and even now it's making me tear up having to write about it. Niki Smith managed to take such an emotional and frightening moment and capture it so incredibly well. The art and the writing come together perfectly. I imagine that even if you've never gone through this experience yourself you'll be hard pressed not to feel something here.
There's a similar moment at the end of the book, where Grayce finds acceptance and gets to live as her real self. Grayce is welcomed back to the Communion of the Blue, and the magical tapestry of her family changes, transforming her name from Grayson to Grayce. Despite having already been accepted as who she is by Calia and Hawke this is the real moment when Grayce realises that she doesn't have to give up on herself, that she gets to live her true self, and it's so amazingly wonderful. Like the earlier moment this part made me cry, though for different reasons. Being accepted for who you really are, realising that people will love and accept you, that you don't have to live in misery anymore is an emotional and lifesaving moment.
The Deep & Dark Blue has a great fantasy story, but that's not what made me love the book. It was the very real human story that did. I loved Grayce, I cared about her and her journey, and I wanted things to be okay for her. The book spoke to me on an incredibly deep level, and dragged up a lot of emotions I thought were in my past, but rather than being a bad thing it made me realise how lucky I am to get to be me and be happy. Yes, the world is hard for me as a trans person, and I have to deal with daily hate because of that, but I wouldn't give up on myself for anything, because the alternative is a life full of misery. I'm so happy that Grayce gets to live without that misery, that she gets to find a home for herself, and is loved.
If you're trans this book will mean a lot, it'll talk to you on a very personal level, and if you're not I think it will do a to help you understand a little about what it's like for a trans person, and why being accepted for who we are means so much. The fact that it's set in a great fantasy story is a brilliant bonus. The Deep & Dark Blue will stick with me for a long while, and I'll read it more than once for sure. A stunning and moving piece of art that meant so much to me.
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