Is Tomorrow Finally The Day?

Tomorrow is a big day.  Tomorrow is my second appointment at the gender clinic, and it’s the one where I should be started on Hormone Replacement Therapy.  I say should though because so far nothing has gone right during my treatment.  Just a few weeks ago I had a meeting to discuss my case and go through all of the problems that have happened and ended with the NHS representative I was talking to admitting that over a year of my treatment was just wasted time.

This means that, through the myriad of both small and quite massive mistakes and problems on their part I should be well into my transition by now, possibly even living happily presenting as female.  Instead I’m still spending each day avoiding my reflection, feeling uncomfortable in my body, jealous of every cis female I see, self harming, crying myself to sleep and thinking of suicide.  It’s a long list of stuff to go through I know, but for those of you reading this that aren’t transgender that’s pretty much what it’s like, though I can only describe my experiences and not talk for the whole community.

Because of all of these mistakes and delays I have little to no faith in the NHS.  I had to go and organise and chase up getting my blood tests done in time for tomorrow’s appointment because that was yet another thing they hadn’t done correctly.

I have been told that tomorrow I will have a physical examination, my hormone levels will be analysed and I will start HRT.  However, I don’t for a second actually believe that that is what’s going to happen.  I expect to walk in there and be told that something hasn’t been done right, some kind of paperwork has gone missing or that I’m going to have to wait until my next appointment with them, which based on the gap between the first two will be another four months.

This very likely scenario scares the hell out of me.  I don’t know what to do in that situation, or even how I will handle it.  I just know that however I take it, it will not be well.

I can see myself bursting into tears.  I could refuse to leave until they give me the medication.  I could threaten the doctor or do something stupid like that.  I could act fine and then come home and hurt myself.  Or I could do something a lot, lot worse.

This is all maybe’s though.  There is a chance that things will go right for once, but I’ve just become so jaded with the whole situation that instead of being excited for tomorrow I’m absolutely terrified.  I’m sitting here panicking, trying to keep my breathing in control, trying not to cry and I know that it’s going to be almost impossible for me to get to sleep tonight.

I hope, I truly do hope that all of this stress and worry is for nothing and that tomorrow’s post will be a big celebration of starting HRT.  I just don’t believe it.  Tomorrow cold either be one of the best days of my life or it could be one of the worst.  I’ve never been so scared before.

Amy.
xx

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