Is Tomorrow Finally The Day?

Tomorrow is a big day.  Tomorrow is my second appointment at the gender clinic, and it’s the one where I should be started on Hormone Replacement Therapy.  I say should though because so far nothing has gone right during my treatment.  Just a few weeks ago I had a meeting to discuss my case and go through all of the problems that have happened and ended with the NHS representative I was talking to admitting that over a year of my treatment was just wasted time.

This means that, through the myriad of both small and quite massive mistakes and problems on their part I should be well into my transition by now, possibly even living happily presenting as female.  Instead I’m still spending each day avoiding my reflection, feeling uncomfortable in my body, jealous of every cis female I see, self harming, crying myself to sleep and thinking of suicide.  It’s a long list of stuff to go through I know, but for those of you reading this that aren’t transgender that’s pretty much what it’s like, though I can only describe my experiences and not talk for the whole community.

Because of all of these mistakes and delays I have little to no faith in the NHS.  I had to go and organise and chase up getting my blood tests done in time for tomorrow’s appointment because that was yet another thing they hadn’t done correctly.

I have been told that tomorrow I will have a physical examination, my hormone levels will be analysed and I will start HRT.  However, I don’t for a second actually believe that that is what’s going to happen.  I expect to walk in there and be told that something hasn’t been done right, some kind of paperwork has gone missing or that I’m going to have to wait until my next appointment with them, which based on the gap between the first two will be another four months.

This very likely scenario scares the hell out of me.  I don’t know what to do in that situation, or even how I will handle it.  I just know that however I take it, it will not be well.

I can see myself bursting into tears.  I could refuse to leave until they give me the medication.  I could threaten the doctor or do something stupid like that.  I could act fine and then come home and hurt myself.  Or I could do something a lot, lot worse.

This is all maybe’s though.  There is a chance that things will go right for once, but I’ve just become so jaded with the whole situation that instead of being excited for tomorrow I’m absolutely terrified.  I’m sitting here panicking, trying to keep my breathing in control, trying not to cry and I know that it’s going to be almost impossible for me to get to sleep tonight.

I hope, I truly do hope that all of this stress and worry is for nothing and that tomorrow’s post will be a big celebration of starting HRT.  I just don’t believe it.  Tomorrow cold either be one of the best days of my life or it could be one of the worst.  I’ve never been so scared before.

Amy.
xx

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Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 'The Asset' Review

Skye infiltrates the bad guys party and has a dull conversation with him.

All of the excitement and intrigue of the past two episodes is all but gone in this fairly average espionage and infiltration episode that feels more like part of Alias than the show set up in the last two episodes.

The episode opens well enough, with an impressive hijacking sequence where cars and trucks are thrown through the air by some kind of unseen force and a S.H.I.E.L.D. scientist is kidnapped.  Unfortunately the episode soon begins to move down hill after this point.  Sent in to retrieve the stolen scientist Coulson and his team are forced to trust into Skye the responsibility of infiltrating the bad guys party to let the team inside.

Doctor Hall makes his on screen appearance.

Not the most inspired plot, with everything playing out as an almost stereotype of spy drama and predictable every step of the way.  The only neat little inclusion her though is the gravity device that begins to play havoc.

The shifting in action from floor to ceiling to walls is visually interesting, for all of about a minute.  This wold have been an amazing place to have a fight, to see the room shifting around them as they punched the crap out of each other.  Instead the shifting room is used to have a conversation, one where we can see the solution to the problem long before the characters do as soon as Coulson and Hall end up standing on a glass window above the gravity device.

Coulson must find a way to save the episode.

A dull and lackluster episode that holds no surprises or revelations, or even anything the audience hasn't seen before.  Even the very last 'surprise' scene was something that I could see coming a mile away.  Hopefully this is not an indication of the quality of the show to come and it will soon return to the highs of the first two episodes.  4/10

Amy.
xx

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Supernatural 'I Think I'm Going to Like it Here' Review

The boys are back in town.

Supernatural has returned to our screens and the first episode kicks off where season eight ended with thousands of angels falling from heaven, Crowley a prisoner of the Winchesters, Castiel has lost his grace and Sam is dieing.  So, pretty high stakes for the season opener.

There are three main focuses of the episode, Sam in a coma trying to figure out whether he should fight or give in and die, Dean as he searches for a way to save Sam’s life, and Castiel who is coming to terms with being human.

Sam’s story centres on his trip through his subconscious, much like we have previously seen in season seven when Bobby was close to death.  Sam is helped along his way through his inner journey by Dean, who represents his will to fight for life and a special return of Bobby who is representing Sam’s desire to give in.

Dean watches over a dying Sam.

At first I found myself surprised that Sam would be so willing to just lay down and die, to stop fighting but then I think about everything the character has been through over the course of the show, especially last year with the strain of the trials.  Having Sam question whether or not it was worth trying to carry on makes sense at this point.  Plus the return of Death was a very pleasant surprise.

During Sam’s journey through his subconscious Dean is working hard in the real world to find a way to save his bother.  Driven to desperation Dean sends out an open prayer to any angel that will listen asking for their help to save Sam.  Unfortunately this makes the both of them open targets for any angel that wants revenge against the Winchesters and Castiel for being thrown out of heaven.

Luckily for Dean though help arrives in the form of Ezekiel, played wonderfully by the talented Tahmoh Penikett.  Ezekiel tries to help save Sam’s life whilst Dean battles the angels come to kill them but the only solution this time is a radial one, for Ezekiel to possess Sam.  Initially against the idea Dean consents to try it when he realised that Sam is ready to go with Death and cannot face loosing his brother forever.

Ezekiel tries to save Sams life.

The resolution here is a great one, so much better than just angel healing hands which would have been a very easy way out.  It also means that amongst all of the exciting new things the end of the previous season set up we’ve been presented with a new one, Sam with an angel inside of him.  Which he has no knowledge of.  I’m sure this is going to lead to some exciting moments later on in the year and I’m sure another heated argument between those grouchy Winchester brothers.

During all of this drama to save Sam we have Castiel wandering around getting used to his new human body.  Initially unsure exactly what to expect from being human, still expecting not to need to eat or drink, Castiel begins to discover many of his new weaknesses during the episode.  Especially when he meets another angel, Hail.

Castiel tries his best to help Hail with her new circumstances and shows that he has learnt a great deal from his time on earth sand tries to tell Hail that there is so much more out there for her to do and experience now that he is free from heaven’s rule.  What starts of as a fairly sweet story soon turns creepy though when Hail attacks Castiel and wants to possess his vessel, leading Castiel to have to kill  her.

Bobby's back....kind of.

A very busy start to the new season, with three very different stories all being told at once.  It’s great to see the start of the consequences of the angels falling and it gives a good taste of what more to expect from the rest of the year.   A great start to what is hopefully going to be one of the more interesting seasons of Supernatural.  Can’t wait until the next one!  8/10

Amy.
xx

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Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. '0-8-4' Review

The second episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to go out of its way to make itself very different from the pilot episode, with the action shifting from the US to South America and a non super powered threat. This helps the episode greatly and means that we get a brand new adventure that’s different and engaging enough from the first episode to not just feel like more of the same.

In the episode ‘0-8-4’ Coulson and the team are sent in to investigate a mysterious artefact that bears a striking similarity to the technology used by Hydra during World War 2.  The device is a great way of bringing even more outside references into the show, connecting to Captain America through the Hydra technology, the Hulk through Gamma Radiation and Thor through the ‘0-8-4’ designation, Coulson mentioning that the last 0-8-4 S.H.I.E.L.D. came across being a ‘hammer’.

Fury comes down hard on Coulson.

With multiple human threats rather than a single super powered bad guy it also means that we get to see every member of the team do something, for them to work together and form a plan that involves all of them actually helping to save the day.

I’m still finding it hard to like the two scientist Fitz and Simmons who just seem to be two halves of the same character, even at one point talking in unison.  Ward still remains somewhat a background player with no significant growth or interest to his character in this episode.

What we do get, however, is much more character development for Coulson and May.  We get to meet a person from Coulsons past and see some insight into his pre-Iron-man days and his continual love of collectibles that was started in Avengers with his Captain America trading cards.  Melinda May continues to intrigue and excite as potentially the most dangerous and bad ass member of the team, displaying combat skills that Black Widow herself would envy.

'When I need a gun I'll take one.'

The highlight of the episode for me though came at the not so surprise cameo of Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury.  Though a brief scene, and one filled with some great comedic acting between the two it goes a long way to further plant the show within the extended universe and feel like another planned part of the bigger tapestry.  It also sets up a potential doubt in some of the teams minds about the trustworthiness of Skye.

Though not a big in scale as the first episode it has much better character moments from the main cast and is a thoroughly enjoyable adventure story.  7/10.

Amy.
xx

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Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 'Pilot' Review

Agent Phil Coulson is back on screen after dieing at the hands of Loki during the events of Avengers Assemble and is busy building his own team of shield agents tasked with dealing with the emergence of more and more ‘gifted’ or super powered individuals and any such threats that might appear.  With a misfit group of field agents and scientists Coulson comes face to face with a down on his luck factory worker who volunteers to receive powers from a shady organisation.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. kicks off without skipping a beat from its big screen counterparts and immediately sets its feet firmly within the same universe without feeling out of place.  From the opening montage of the Avengers and the battle of New York to the guest appearance of Maria Hill and the use of Extremis the show just feels like another part of the larger tapestry that Marvel Studios are creating.

Cobie Smulders reprises her role as Maria Hill for the show.

I was worried that the show wouldn’t be able to stand beside its big screen cousins and would feel like a sub par attempt to recreate the same movie magic on TV, but those fears were quickly put to rest and by the time the first ad break rolled around I was invested.

Having said that there are parts of this first episode that I’m not completely sold on, some of the characters felt particularly weak, Agent Ward for example, and some of the ‘comic’ banter between Fitz and Simmons was a bit too cheesy to be believable.

To counter these criticisms though Clark Gregg was fantastic as Coulson and I’m glad to see the character back as I’ve loved him sine his first appearance in 2008’s Iron Man.  I’m glad that we’ve not been told the whole truth as to his resurrection straight away and that it’s something even his character doesn’t know the whole truth of.  I’m hoping for a great season finale reveal as to how and why he’s back from the dead that will give Gregg the chance for some stand out acting.

Mystery surrounds Ming Na's Melinda May, a fierce field agent.

In addition Ming Na’s Melinda May was played well and given enough intrigue to her back story to have me eager to find out her past and J August Richards excelled in his guest appearance and helped to put a great deal of empathy and pathos to what could have easily become a hateable character.

All in all this was a great opening episode and it looks like Wheadon is on top form once again doing what he does best, making a great ensemble television cast.  A great start to what will hopefully be an amazing series. 7/10

Amy.
xx

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