First Time Out As Amy

I’m always going to remember last night.  Not because I hung out with my friends, not because I went to an awesome book launch and not because I saw an amazing film for the first time.  I’m going to remember last night because it was the first time out in public as the real me.  Last night I went out presenting as Amy, in public, for the best part of twelve hours.

Yesterday my friends and I attended the book launch for David Flint’s new book ‘Sheer Filth’, a book I m very much looking forward to cracking open.  The launch was held in Nottingham at the Broadway Cinema, where their would be a showing of the new Jake West documentary ‘Video Nasties 2: Draconian Days’, followed by a Q&A with the film makers and David Flint.  It was a great night, a brilliant film and interesting and different experience.

David Flint's book 'Sheer Flith!'

I’m not sure what it was that made me decide that last night was going to be ‘The Night’ but something in me said ‘now’s the time’.  So I got home from work early, spent the best part of two hours getting ready then started to panic.

As soon as I was done with my prep and was waiting to get picked up the fear kicked in.  I guess it’s because I had nothing to do to occupy my mind but I started to really freak out about the prospect of going outside, into the ‘real world’ as me for the first time.  I began to hyperventilate, my hands were shaking, I felt sick and the only thing stopping me from crying a little was the knowledge that it would fuck up my mascara.

Luckily for me I’ve got some awesome friends and they quickly rallied around me to calm me down, reassuring me that nothing was going to happen to me and that they were their for me.  So we all jumped into the car, me still thinking that this was going to be a terrible idea, but I was in the middle seat so it’s not like I could jump out and escape.

We reached Nottingham and then came the next hurdle, actually getting out of the safe confines of the car.  It seemed like every time I got over one irrational fear another would rear its head!  Walking through the city centre felt like a minefield, my eyes were constantly scanning the crowd.  Was anyone looking at me?  Why are those people over their laughing, is it me?  Is anyone saying anything?  Does anyone look like they want to hurt me?  I was also massively conscious of my body language the whole way, concentrating so hard on moving femininely it was giving me a fucking headache.

Nottingham City Centre Nightlife.

As we neared our destination though I began to relax a little.  No one was laughing or pointing or calling me names.  No one was even looking twice.  ‘Hey’, I thought, ‘maybe this isn’t so bad after all’.  As soon as we got to the cinema though I realised that their were a couple of little hurdles that I’d forgotten about and was suddenly getting worked up over once again.

The first was the fact that I needed to pee.  Now, normally I’m presenting as male, so I go into the male toilets, pee and leave, no problems whatsoever.  This night though I was going to have to use the women’s toilets.  What if other people were in their?  What if they could tell I’m trans when I walk in?  what if they start to freak out or make a fuss or get nasty?  If it wasn’t for the fact that I would have to hold it for another five hours and that my friend also needed to go I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have even gone in their.  But once again, I did it and their were no problems at all.

The second thing that threw me once I was in the cinema was ordering snacks and my drink.  ‘Fuck, my voice is going to give me away!’  I thought to myself.  I’ve only had one speech therapy session so far and my work schedule has made it hard for me to keep up my vocal practice so I’m going to get clocked for sure.  So I tried altering my pitch, kept my voice quiet and talked as little as possible.  I’m sure that some of the people I spoke to suspected but at least they didn’t say anything.

Later in the night, once the film had finished and we went up to the bar area to meet the author and get a copy of the book, I did notice a few people that seemed to be giving me longer than normal looks, and even had one guy squeeze past me and say ‘excuse me sir’.  Not the best thing to happen no, but it was far from the worst.

Yep, that's me....taking a damn 'selfie'.  God I hate myself for that.

Last night was one of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had, but I’m glad I did it.  Thanks to hormones I’m starting to be able to see a female when I look into the mirror rather than a ‘tranny in a bad wig’.  Last night helped me to reaffirm those thoughts, I mean maybe others were seeing me as female too.  Those people in the bar would have been looking over at me because of the fact that I’m quite tall.  It could have been because of any number of reasons that had nothing to do with figuring out what I am.  Maybe I even misheard the ‘sir’ comment as it was in a quite loud room.

With a lot of the horror stories I’d heard about bad experiences trans women have had in going out in public and my own irrational fears I was absolutely petrified of what I did last night.  But I’m damn glad I did it.  I’m not in a massive hurry to do it again and theirs no fucking way I’m doing it on my own but I’m glad its done and that it will be easier next time too.

The Broadway Cinema, my place of triumph :P

For anyone reading this that isn’t at that stage yet and is worried about their first time out, well yeah, be scared.  It is fucking scary.  But its also not as bad as your mind will tell you its going to be.  Surround yourself with people you love and people you trust and it will make it a whole lot easier too.

I owe my friends big time for last night.  They helped to keep me strong, stopped me from freaking out or just outright refusing to go.  Even if they didn’t realise they were doing it, just by being their with me, being themselves and treating me like nothing was wrong and it was an ordinary night was just what I needed.  Thank  you Hannah, Jake, Lehen and Mario.  I love you guys for what you did last night.

Amy.
xx

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Sticking It To The Man

‘South Park: The Stick of Truth’ is a game I remember hearing about years ago and quickly forgot as all news of its development seemed to disappear into the background of other bigger gaming news.  Then, all of a sudden it was here, on the shelves and ready to buy. 

To be honest I wasn’t sure what to expect from the game, most games made from animated TV shows end up being fairly shit.  Family Guy and Simpson’s are both guilty of this.  Everything I’d seen for the game had made it look brilliant though and I so desperately wanted it to be so.  And you know what?  It was!

Not only does the game feel like it fits in perfectly into the universe of the show, with the same brilliantly bad animation and unique humour, but it also plays as a damn good game in its own rights. 

Stick of Truth features dozens of the show's iconic characters.

TSOT is an RPG and plays just like one.  You pick your class, choosing between Fighter, Mage, Thief and Jew.  You equip your character with different armour and weapons that each has differing stats and abilities and you complete both main and optional quests around the town of South Park.

If you’re a fan of role playing games then this will all feel familiar to you and you’ll fall fight into the game with little problems and soon be exploring the iconic locations from the show and interacting with the townspeople. 

Fight alongside iconic characters at iconic locations.

The storyline is fairly simple (to begin with) you’re the new kid in town and you soon find yourself drawn into an epic battle between the human Kingdom of Koopa Keep, the KKK, and the elves, all of whom are fighting for control over the fabled Stick of Truth.  Except none of it’s really happening, it’s just the local kids playing a game.  But it works perfectly.  It doesn’t feel out of place within the South Park universe, it doesn’t feel shoehorned in or forced and when things inevitably descend into chaos and the fate of the town hangs in the balance it’s true to what we’ve seen before.

If you like role playing games and enjoys South Park then there is no reason not to play this game as you’ll love it.  I completed the main story in roughly fifteen hours but still had lots of side quests to complete and collectables to find which ensures longer play time and at points I found myself laughing out loud at the brilliant humour.  Whether you’re a fan of the show or someone with just a passing familiarity then you should definitely give this game a try as you won’t help but fall a little in love with it.

Amy.

xx

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Walking Home Alone

So, the other week I experienced something new for the first time.  I was out of the house, presenting as female all on my own.  It’s not as epic as that might sound, I had a speech therapy session first thing in the morning and just stayed ‘girled up’ all day.  That night I went round my friends and we hung out.  Then came the part I hadn’t thought about, walking home in the middle of the night on my own.

Now, I usually do this a lot, some of my work shifts require me to walk through some pretty dodgy parts of my hometown very late at night so I’m no stranger to being out and about after dark.  The thing that I was worried about this time though was the fact that I was presenting as myself.

I know it shouldn’t really make a difference but even before I left my friends house I was filled with worry.  What if something happened to me?  What if someone could tell I was trans and made me a target?

I swallowed my fear and left my friends house and began the journey home.  It wasn’t too bad for the most part.  I found myself a little on edge but it wasn’t  like I was shaking with fear the whole way home.  However, there then came the point where I had to pass by a group of guys.  As soon as I saw them I filled with dread and felt vulnerable.  They weren’t even on the same side of the road as me, but even so I felt on edge.

The only thing different about this time walking home and the hundreds of others I had was that this time I didn’t looks male.  That’s it, nothing else.  So why was it that little change could have such an effect on me that I was literally afraid to walk past a group of guys?

Perhaps it’s the news stories I read of trans women, and even regular women, being targets of violence and aggression when they are walking alone at night.  But those kind of things are rare and I knew logically that nothing like that would happen to me yet I still felt fear.

Is it my irrationality or do we genuinely live in a world where women feel fear where they shouldn’t, in scenarios where men never would?  I’m happy that I’m transitioning, that I’m becoming the real me.  But if this is the type of thing I’m going to experience more often, simply because that’s the way the world is then theirs something wrong with the world.

Amy.
xx

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A Cabin Full of Surprises

I’ve been meaning to watch ‘Cabin in the Woods’ since it came out.  I like horror and I like Joss Whedon so it made perfect sense to watch it right?  Then everyone I know that’s seen it and every review I see online begins to not only praise the film but rave about it.

Now, most people would see that as something that would spur them on to watch it, but as many of the people who know me will attest it’s the kind of thing that drives me away from stuff.  I’ve had experiences where films that have been so hyped up that by the time I finally get round to seeing it they nowhere live up to it.  I mean, it took me twelve years to finally watch ‘Donnie Darko’ because of this kind of thing!

As such ‘Cabin in the Woods’ in the woods had been out for well over a year and my friends were continually asking me why I hadn’t yet seen it.  Well, one of my friends had had enough and gave me the DVD in an attempt to drive me into watching it.  A few days later and I’m looking for something to watch of an evening and I see the DVD sitting their and I think ‘oh sod it what the hell’ and pick it up.

Our group of heroes ready to be picked off one at a time.

Now I knew going into it that their was going to be something special about the film, that it was more than what the title suggested and was going to be more than the average teenagers in the woods kind of film.  None of that knowledge, however, could have prepared me for what I was about to see.

Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard essentially create a love letter to classic horror  films.  It follows the standard formula and set up, but in its own special way that points out the silliness of these character and situational stereotypes without being disrespectful to them.   The film also throws so many different types of monsters and creatures at the audience that there’s something in their for everyone but manages to balance it well that the end doesn’t feel like the cluster fuck that it could have so easily have become.

The plot is amazing.  Its well written and unfolds in such a way that there’s always something more to learn right up until the very end, and by the time the film does end you’ll find yourself wishing their could have been loads more.  The film feels like the start of something big, like the tip of the iceberg teasing us at what else their could be.  there is so much sense of mystery, grandeur and history here that this could very easily have been the first film in a new horror franchise.  But luckily its not.

A film not afraid to tread new ground and be daring.

And I say luckily because whilst I would have loved to have seen more the film stands out so much more for  being a one off.  If you want more  out of  it you’ll watch it again and again and its one of those films where you get more from it on subsequent viewings.

I literally cannot find fault with this film.  I enjoyed it that much that less than twenty four hours after watching it I had my own copy on blurry!  We need more films like this.  Films that subvert expectations, that aren’t scared to do their own thing and challenge the norm and just play it safe.  A lot of film makers can learn a lesson from ‘Cabin in the Woods’ of how to make a film that I’m sure will stand out for years to come.

Amy.

xx

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Reaching Too High

Last week I finally got round to playing Halo: Reach, the prequel game to the overly popular Xbox series of first person shooters.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the Halo games, in fact it was the disappointing cliff hanger to Halo 2 that made me go out and buy an Xbox 360 and a copy of Halo 3.  I got to the end of the game and thought ‘you fucking bastards!’ as the credits began to roll and immediately walked to the nearest Game and bought a 360.

I never once believed that Halo 3 would be the end of the franchise, no matter how much the company said it would be.  After all if such statements were true then we wouldn’t be stuck in sequel hell with things like Final Fantasy, Police Academy, Resident Evil and so many awful fucking horror movie franchises.  So here I was, presented with yet another poor excuse of expanding the series without having the balls to commit to a proper sequel (this game did come out before Halo 4 remember).

'Reach' does give us some fun space flying sections to break
the tedium.

Halo: Reach is a game that tells you exactly what’s going to happen with the fucking title.  After all, you’re barely five minutes into the first game before the characters mention how Reach got totally fucked up and everyone died.  It’s no surprise then that you’re playing through one long suicide mission with no hopes of seeing yourself or any of the other NCP’s live past the closing credits.

With the obvious outcome put to one side the game itself was somewhat enjoyable, not the worst fps I’ve ever played by far.  The game starts with you as a new member of the Spartan Noble Unit, and given the chance to choose to play as either male or female.  I know such choices don’t amount to much in games where the most you see of your character is their hands but it was nice to have the option to play as an armour clad badass who grunts in a female voice rather than a male one.

Halo: Reach gives you a variety of missions, from roaming the sunny hills and valleys of the titular planet, infiltrating a Covenant spaceship (because we’ve never done that in a Halo game before, for fuck sake!), a futuristic city and aerial dogfights.

The Covenant come to fuck some shit up.

Whilst the locations in the game feel like a standard Halo checklist just being ticked off one at a time the way they play are at least a little bit more interesting with the inclusion of jet packs (though not in nearly enough of the game for my liking) and flying a fighter ship in space.

At the end of the day though whilst their isn’t anything particularly wrong with the game (other than possibly needing more levels.  Seriously I finished it in like a day!) it just doesn’t quite do it for me.  I think one of the main problems with this game, and something I’ve noticed from the Halo series on a whole since its move to the Xbox 360 is its dependence on multi-player to really sell its games.

'Reach' lets you play as a female Spartan, mine had pretty
pink and purple armour.

The biggest problem I have with the series are its mouth breathing teenage cunts of an audience who do nothing but play Halo multiplayer all the time, spouting complete fucking shit through their mic’s and blowing the fuck out of anyone who hasn’t played the multiplayer for two hundred fucking hours.  The single player campaign feels more like an add on, something to give the players to do when not playing the main game, multiplayer.

Not the worst game in the series but more fan service and an excuse for Microsoft to rake in more cash from a disc release of something that would be more at home as an Xbox live release.  Whilst it was a fairly entertaining waste of my time I’m glad I only spent £4 on it.

Amy.
xx

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