That Sudden Sneaky Dysphoria

Yesterday started off as a good day, a day that I was looking forward to and hoping to enjoy.  Yesterday was the day I was going to get my new phone.  Yeah, I know,  a new phone, nothing too special.  But it was special to me because, honestly, I don’t have much stuff to really look forward to, and having a new little toy to play with had me excited.  That and getting a nice chunk of cash for trading in my old phone.

So, I awoke early with a sliver of excitement running through me and was dressed and ready to go into town much earlier than I’d normally even be awake.  It would appear that not even my messed up sleeping patterns would overcome my good day.  With my housemate joining me, we headed into town to do our shopping.

Our first stop was at a local café, that we used to frequent when my housemate owned his comic book shop, for a rather unhealthy breakfast.  And that’s where things took a turn.  I don’t know why it suddenly affected me, I’d had my anti-depressant that morning and was in a great mood, but as soon as our waitress came over I was hit with a massive wave of dysphoria.

There was nothing overly special about this girl, yeah she was attractive, but it’s not like she was the most stunning woman I’d ever seen.  There was just something about her that turned my happy morning upside down and made me feel like complete and utter shit.  One minute I was happy and excited, the next I felt like I could hardly breathe and I just wanted to run and hide myself away from the world.

Perhaps this should have been a sign for me to give in and go home, to just let the dysphoria pass.  I ignored this, however, and tried to continue on with my day.  After leaving the café I went to the phone shop.  ‘At least I can just get my phone and go home before this gets any worse’ I thought to myself.  Boy was I wrong.

The first person to serve me in the phone shop was one of the managers, who when he had to go and assist another of his colleagues assigned me the one and only female working in the store that day.  So here I was, yet again faced with another pretty young woman.  A young woman who was extremely nice and chatty and appeared to have a great personality too.  After half an hour being served by her I was ready to just break into tears.

I hate that part of being trans is that I’ll have these sudden bouts of dysphoria, that what is supposed to be a good day for me can suddenly turn on its head and make me feel like complete shit, for no apparent reason.

I know that things are moving forward for me, and that I’ve come a long way in the past year, but it still doesn’t stop these little attacks.  No matter how logical I try to be, no matter how many anti-depressants I take or fun I try to have it always seems like my dysphoria will always be their.  I hope that this is something that will go away in time, that at some point it won’t hurt anymore, but I really don’t see that being the case.

I see my dysphoria lessening, I can picture periods of time where it won’t bother me as much any more, but I don’t think it will ever truly disappear.  I see it being their my whole life, no matter how well my transition goes.  I feel like this is something that I’ll never completely escape.

Thank you for reading my little rant, sorry for how depressing it is, I promise a much more enjoyable read for my next post.

Amy.

xx

 
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Doctor Who E-Space Trilogy Review

From series eighteen of the original run of Doctor Who, the E-Space Trilogy features three loosely connected stories from Tom Bakers final season.  Set in another universe connected to our own, E-Space.  These three stories feature the introduction of Adric and the departure of both Romana and K-9.

Full Circle

On the way back to Gallifrey to return Romana to the Council of the Time Lords the Tardis is caught in a strange phenomena and passes from normal space into an alternate universe called E-Space.

Landing on the planet Alzarius the Doctor and Roman find a small settlement of humanoids living between a fruit rich river and a grounded spaceship simply known as the Starliner.  The people on the planet arrived many generations ago, and have been attempting to repair their ship ever since in an attempt to return to their home world of Terradon.

All is not well in the colony; however, as strange insect eggs have started to appear in the riverfruit, the environment is turning against the colonists and primitive Marshmen rise from beneath the surface of the river….

Are the Marshmen a threat or something more?

‘Full Circle’ is the first part of the E-Space trilogy and the introduction of new companion Adric, played by Matthew Waterhouse.  The first of the four episodes quickly and clearly sets up both the concept of E-Space itself and the colonists living on Alzarius.

The ever expanding history of Alzarius, the colonists and the Marshmen is interesting and takes some dramatic, if not completely scientifically possible, turns to craft a very interesting story.  The story itself was actually written by a seventeen year old fan of the series, but is very well written and a very competent tale.

The sets are fairly standard Doctor Who affair, with nothing particularly special to them, but the Marshmen costumes look great, and the creatures are portrayed well.

A good Doctor Who story that introduced some great concepts and a new companion.  Competent sets and great looking monsters make this a good story that doesn’t stand out as one of the all time greats, but is a solid, competent and entertaining serial.

State of Decay

After the events of ‘Full Circle’ the Doctor, Romana, K-9 and new companion/stowaway Adric arrive on a planet trapped in the dark ages, under the thrall of three lords, Zargo, Camilla and Aukon.

The Doctor and Romana discover evidence of more advanced technology than is evident of the planets medieval society and begin investigating what could be holding this society back.  It soon becomes apparent that there is more to the three lords than meets the eye as it is revealed that they are not quite human, but vampire creatures that are in fact serving an ancient and powerful enemy of the Time Lords….

There is more to the three lords than meets the eye.

I’d heard of ‘State of Decay’ long before I’d ever seen it, the introduction of The Great Vampires and their history with the Time Lords was one that was known to me for a long while, and one that interested me greatly.  I found the concept of an ancient foe of the Time Lords that are so powerful and evil that they inspired the myths of vampires throughout the universe a hugely interesting one and wanted to learn more of this history.

Unfortunately there’s not much more to learn than what I already knew.  The Great Vampire itself only makes a brief appearance in the story, instead the main focus being on the Three Lords.

An interesting gothic tale that gives us a little insight into the history of the Time Lords and what they have done in the past to protect the universe.  At times a little too over the top and cheesy, but entertaining.

Warriors Gate

The Tardis crew find themselves in a white null space between normal space and E-Space.  Elsewhere in the void another ship, commanded by Rorvik, has also become trapped.  This second ship is a slave vessel that has captured a group of leonine Tharil’s to use as their navigators.  Upon becoming stuck in the void the ships navigator, Biroc, escapes and makes his way toward the Tardis.

Caught in the space between universes and in a fight between the Tharil’s and their oppressors the Doctor, Romana, Adric and K-9 must choose which side to assist in the struggle, whilst finding a way through the void back into their own universe…..

The Taril's petition for Romana's help.

‘Warriors Gate’ is a very interesting and at some times confusing story, using multiple time lines and the past and future interacting at the same time to craft a story that demands to be watched a second time, even if only to figure out what’s going on.

The Tharil make-up is adequate, nothing spectacular but nicely subtle enough to create a convincing leonine species.  Peoples motives and morals are constantly in question and at some times its hard to know which group to support, but that makes the story a lot more interesting than just having one clear group of heroes and one clear group of villains.

This story also marks the departure of both Romana and K-9, and whilst this seems to come quite suddenly at the end of the story, the whole of the E-Space trilogy has been subtly setting up the fact that Romana doesn’t want to return to Gallifrey.  It’s not the most out of the blue departure the show has had, but it does feel quite rushed.

An interesting feature in this serial however is the design of the slaver ship.  I’m sure fans of Firefly will see quite clearly the similarities to the design of Serenity.  Was the designer of the Serenity a fan of this serial?  Or does the Firefly universe exist within the Doctor Who universe?  If it does, I can’t wait to see a cross over!

Seperated at birth?

Thanks for reading!

Amy.

xx

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500 Hits!

Thank you to everyone who's been visiting the blog and reading me articles, your support is amazing! 

Amy.
xx

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Facebook Fan Page

Hiya everyone, just wanted to let you know about Trans Girl Writer's new Facebook fan page.  I'll be posting about new blog updates and other bits and pieces about the blog.  I hope you all enjoy my blog and join the fan page!

See ya!

Amy.
xx

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Hero Talk Episode 23

Hi everybody, I’ve got something new for you all!  An episode of the podcast ‘Hero Talk’ in which I feature as special guest host.  My housemate, Mario Coleman, is a regular host on the show, and on the recording of this particular show I had the opportunity to step in and co-host with Mario and James Lundy.

 In this show we talk about Superman quitting his job at the Daily Planet, the Walking Dead television show and video game, the Iron Man 3 and Evil Dead trailers, DC’s I, Vampire and the guest line up at 2013’s London Super Comic Con, amongst many other things.

Due to my not being fully out at the time of this recording and the fact that my voice is still very male I’m in the podcast as Mark Walker instead of Amy. 

I hope that everyone enjoys!

Amy.

xx

- Subscribe via iTunes entering the following: http://www.heroesandidols.com/htalkpodcast.xml

- Download the mp3 via: www.heroesandidols.com/podcasts/htalkep23.mp3

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