Playing On My Mind

I’ve had some bad experiences lately with people giving me some very transphobic comments, both people I know and complete strangers on the internet.  Whilst these accounts might actually be able to fill a blog post in itself that’s not what I’m going to be looking at here.  Instead it’s a few of the things that were said and how they’ve been playing on my mind, on my fears, since in a way that I wasn’t expecting.

One of the things that happened recently, and unfortunately not for the first time, was that I was messaged on Facebook by someone that saw I’m transgender and felt the need to make sexual advances towards me.  I’m sure that I’m not alone in this, and whilst my cisgender friends will have probably experiences this I know for a fat that a lot of transgender people have gone through the same experience.  Someone who has a fetish for transgender women sees that you’re trans and immediately sends you horribly graphic sexual messages.

I don’t know what it is about these certain internet ‘chasers’ (as the community calls them) but it appears that because they see trans women in nothing but a sexual way they assume that trans women must be obsessed with sex themselves, that we will respond positively to pictures of their genitals or messages like ‘Hey sexy, I’d love to suck your sweet tranny cock’ (a direct quote from one of the messages I’ve been sent).  The worst part, however, is when you turn around to these people and tell them to leave you alone, that you’re not interested in their sexual advances and they respond with a slew of filth.

I’ve had ranging from ‘fuck you’ to ‘you’re just a cock teasing fag’ all the way up to ‘go and fucking die’.  The latest response I received was this;

                ‘I was only trying to be nice to you [this was in response to him sending me a picture

                of his erect penis and the message ‘wanna ride?’] why are you being such a bitch?’

I responded by telling him that sending people you don’t know pictures like that is hardly being nice and that I’m in no way interested.  He then hit back with this;

                ‘You’re not going to get any better offers.  No one would want to have more than just

                sex with you.  You think you’re going to find some nice guy and live happy?  People like

     you are just sluts.  Go and kill yourself.  Fucking tranny.’

Like I said, not the first time I’ve had something like this so I’m normally used to just shrugging it off.  This time however something stuck in my head.  Something that has been there at the back of my mind for a while and if truth be told has worried me. 

I’ve been finding it hard lately.  My transition (in my opinion) isn’t going well.  Or at least not as well and as fast as I want.  I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of things by having to live a life that’s not really mine, and that each and every day that I’m forced to continue doing so (I’m not full time yet and mainly present as male) I’m losing more and more.  And one of the things I feel like I’m missing out on, one of the things I genuinely fear I might never have, is a relationship.

That’s what that guy said to me and stuck with me.  Am I going to find someone and get to be happy?  I know that it’s probably not the be all and end all of life, that I can be happy whilst being single, but I don’t want to be single.  Someday I do want to find someone, be happy and maybe if I’m lucky somehow have a family.  Usually I don’t worry about such things and just think ‘oh well, it’ll happen someday’.

The thing is, I think I’m developing feelings for someone.  Actually forget that, I know I’m developing feelings for someone.  Now this person knows that I’m transgender, as pretty much everyone who knows me does so at least that’s all out in the open.  I’ve had growing feelings about this person for a while now, and we both get on really well with each other.  We’ve got a lot in common and we have some really personal conversations and some great laughs together.  I know from conversations that we both want similar things in life as a whole too.  During one conversation too they described the kind of partner they want.  They described me.  They described my personality, my interests, everything about me.  All accept one thing.  They described a female.

As far as I know this person is only attracted to cis-women (I’m also aware that by this point I’ve not brought up this persons gender or sexual orientation, this is to leave it vague enough that if they end up reading this they won’t be able to know that it’s them).

If I was a cis-woman I’d ask this person out in a second, and from what I’ve learnt about them I’m confident that I’d have something of a chance.  Maybe something would even have happened naturally by now if I was cis.  I like this person, really like them.  But I’m scared that they’ve got no interest in a trans-woman.  I’d like to think, I’d hope, that maybe I’d have a shot with them.  But how can that happen, especially when they know me pre-transition?

Even if someone was open minded enough to be attracted to trans women, could that extend to me when presenting as male?  If when I finally go through the transition I’m the perfect partner for this person just like they said, would they ever be interested in me knowing the person I was before?

The truth is I’m scared of being alone.  I’m lonely and it hurts and I’m afraid it won’t ever go away.  Can anyone actually care about me or will people just look at me as a fetish, as their ‘kinky sexual desire’? 

I need to transition in order to be happy in my own body, but every time that I have doubts about it or the fears take over one of the things that goes through my mind the most is that I’m always going to be alone.  Sometimes I want to give up on transitioning and just pretend to be male because I think that at least then I can have the chance of finding someone to be with, that I could have a family.  I’m just terrified that I’m always going to have my heart broken and that I’m always going to be alone.

Amy.

xx

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Game of Thrones Finale Predictions

We’re fast approaching the final episode of season four of Game of Thrones and its set to be the best finale yet.  With the last two episodes having been absolute stunners, with Tyrion’s trial by combat taking a dramatic turn and the Wildling attack on the wall and Castle Black the final episode has a lot to do to deliver on the shows claims that it’s going to be the best yet.

So what can we be expecting in this ‘greatest finale yet’?  Here are my best guesses based on publicity material and my own deductions.

Should be obvious to say but this will contain spoilers!

Brans Journey

The home of the tree-eyed raven.

Bran and his little band of followers have been travelling beyond the Wall for the whole of season four and apart from a brief stop at Craster’s Keep he hasn’t really done that much.  Plus we haven’t even seen him for more than two episodes now.  Seeing Bran in the finale is a foregone conclusion.  But what’s he going to be doing?

I believe that we’ll see Bran reach his destination and find the large weirwood tree where the three-eyed-raven can be found.  Hopefully we will get to see the Children of the Forest and Lord Brynden (the three-eyed-raven) that will set up the next stage of Brans journey for season five.

Aryas Destiny

Aryas destiny awaits in Bravos.

Having just found out that Lysa Arryn is dead Arya and the Hound have been left with their main goal stolen away from them.  They’ve spent months travelling across Westeros, becoming begrudging allies, only to find out that the thing that has kept them together no longer exists.  So what will they do next?

I doubt that the Hound will just abandon Arya now that he cannot ransom her, instead I think that she’ll convince him to let her stay with him.  However, as readers of the books will know the Hounds injury he sustained in episode seven is a little more serious that anyone might think. 

I think that before this episode ends Arya will make the decision to travel to Bravos and train to become a Faceless Man.  Whether this is a conclusion she comes to and decides to leave the Hound or if the Hound will be dead before the credits roll I’m not sure.  But I do believe that we will see Arya finding her new purpose and setting out to leave Westeros and her old like behind.

Daenerys and her Children

Daenerys' dragons grow wilder every day.

The title of the episode ‘The Children’ seem to me to be a hint at the dragons.  We’ve had hints over the last nine episodes of Daenerys’ dragons becoming more and more wild and unruly.  I think that this will be the episode where one of the dragons is responsible for the death of a human. 

With Daenerys having just banished her best friend Jorah Mormont from her new kingdom she’s in a dark place already.  Now would be the perfect time to have her face the harsh reality that perhaps her ‘children’ are not what she would like them to be but wild monsters.

I would also not be surprised if we see the creation of the Sons of the Harpy and their terrorist war on Daenerys in the streets of Meereen.  Something else that connects to the episode title.

The Battle for the North

The Baratheon army comes to the Night Watch's aid.

The last episode gave us a spectacular battle at the Wall that put season two’s Battle for Blackwater Bay to shame.  Ending with a scene that I’m sure had many people shouting at the screen Jon Snow leaves the safety of the Wall, unarmed, and heads out to confront Mance Rayder and stop the attack on the wall.

How’s he going to do it?  Will he succeed or die in the attempt?  Well as you’re reading this I’m sure that you’ve either read the books or don’t care about spoilers so I’m going to say what happens. 

I think that without a doubt we will see Stannis Baratheon arrive at the wall with his new army and defeat the Wildlings.  We’ve seen small hints of this in the series trailers before the first episode even aired with Baratheon knights on horseback in the snow.

Tyrions Fate

Tyrion finds Shae in his fathers bed.

Episode eight saw Tyrion Lannister at his absolute worst.  With Prince Oberyn killed by the Mountain during Tyrions trial by combat his fate has been sealed.  He has been deemed guilty by both gods and men and faces execution for the murder of King Joffrey.  So what’s going to happen to him in the finale?

I believe that this episode will see Tyrion escaping from Kings Landing and the clutches of his father with the help of Jamie and Varys.  What I am hoping we see is Tyrions confrontation with  Shea and Tywin.  After the emotion fuelled trial where Shea turned on Tyrion and we got one of the best pieces of acting from Peter Dinklage we’ve had yet.

However, there is a potential for this episode to outshine the trial, especially if we get to see Tyrion confront and kill Shea and his father.

Lady Stoneheart

Fake or real, when Lady Stoneheart makes her entrance I'll be excited.

The biggest and most exciting thing about the season finale is the introduction of Lady Stoneheart.  I’ve been waiting for her to make an appearance since the end of season three and it looks like it might actually come to pass in the end of this episode.  I’m guessing that if she is in the episode it will be as the final scene to leave the audience going ‘WHAT THE HELL?!’ as the credits roll.

The main thing that makes me think she will be in the episode are some apparently leaked images of her from the episode.  Now, I know that the chances of these being real aren’t 100%, they could easily be photo shopped, but she has to make an appearance some time so why not now?

So there you go, my predictions for what we’re going to be seeing in the season four finale of Game of Thrones.  I hope I turn out to be right.

Amy.

xx

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